Chifundo

 I have a lot resting at the threshold. I had a lot. I piled it on and now its coming out in spurts. I can't stop it. It's just flowing out of me and I just keep stepping on my own toes. I can't take my own advice. I'm in the middle of it. I can't see the way out. I know if I could just stop. Just sort it out. Just get it all back in it's place, I'll know what to do then. I'll see more clearly. I'll be able to think. But it just keeps coming. The waves keep smacking me down and just when I suck in breath and calm myself, I'm back down. I'm in it. It's lapping me up against the door and I'm just slapping against the threshold. I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm downright hurt. My heart stings. I just need someone to reach out and grab my hand and no one does. I just lift it up in hopes. In hopes someone will clasp. It doesn't happen though. Does it? No. Everyone just keeps their eyes averted. Just looks away. They are all. I don't know. Occupied. I don't exist until I do, I guess. Forget me. Don't forgive me. Take everything at face value. I guess. It's time to stop fighting the current. I must accept this. I must accept this fate. This part of it. It sucks. I hate every minute of it. I'm angry. 

I was hit with a crushing wave. I wasn't expecting it. At all. I didn't know it was even there. I don't think I could ever know it was coming. Maybe I knew. At some point. It was so long ago. So long ago. But, I was over here... waiting. I really was. I was waiting. I think I read somewhere recently a bit of insight that helped me take a breath of air. The thing is, it wasn't easy. It cannot have been easy. It must have been hard. Or. I just don't exist. Either way. It hurts. A lot. It's like going through it all over again. I watch from over here. I'm mad that you aren't doing worse, honestly. I'm mad about that first of all. I want you to fucking suffer forever, like I do. That sucks. It's a shitty attitude. I'm mad that I feel that way. Ugh. I can't even hate people properly. Okay. So. I'm mad that everything is seems perfect from the outside. I knew it was coming. I said it would be. But, I just cannot believe how fucking predictable you are- it's truly frightening. 

So. That should.... it should make me glad. To know I got out. I got out. And I can enjoy the fact that I have a lot of wisdom. So. I have a fighting chance this time. I see the pattern before it happened. But, that makes me angry. That... I'm right. You are a horrible person. You put up a good facade... but you are horrid. I'm glad I don't have to deal with you for the most part. I just need to keep using my wisdom. I know what will happen. The shoe will drop. The rug will be pulled. Aha! Gotcha, bitch! But.... This time... I know it's coming. And when. I can see it now. Not how. Just when. So. I won't be on the rug. What fucking rug? I heard no shoes, because I'm not playing that game this round. Bye bitch.

Then there's the other thing. I was left in limbo. I had convinced myself that I was in a real deal thing that was going somewhere. It's immensely sad to know I am that depraved of human touch and love and interaction that I meet someone really mediocre and I think that he likes me more than he does. Maybe he did care about me. I said that already. I have to just... explore it realistically now. The advice. The um.. insight. The wisdom that I didn't know I had. Maybe. Or I'm learning as I go with this one. But, yeah. It's that... if you did care... I think it hurt you to do it. But, you tried to do it subtly in other ways and I just looked at you. Big eyes. Blinked. I had no idea. I did. But, I didn't want to believe it. I was torn over it constantly. I kept thinking you wanted more and you never did. But. That. I just. I realized. I never actually heard it from you. You never actually said there was no chance. It was over. That was it. Because you left the door open just to shut it when I looked away. I had no idea. I thought maybe, I was just imagining it. That you would be back for me. That one day you would end your year that you needed to work up the company. Do your part. To just... move on... as you said. You wanted to move forward and I wasn't ever coming along. You kept trying to picture me there and it just... it didn't hit for you. It's not anyones fault. Maybe if I had known that, I wouldn't have wasted so much time. Maybe I could have relaxed and felt different. I don't know. It's not how it happened. You were real with me. I just. It didn't hit me. Not until I saw her. The suggested friend. Where... you were with her in the photo. Something you never wanted to do with me. Something you couldn't let me have. I snooped. I did. I couldn't help it. I had to know. I had to stab the knife in that you never had the balls to do. I needed to know. When. When did this start? I don't know. But, I remember. I remember when I unfriended you and then I realized. She was the one. With her hand on your leg. I said it. I asked it. When you said it wasn't working out between us. I asked you. Is there someone else? You chuckled at me. No. There's no one else. You didn't want to hurt me or you didn't want me to know. It would have hurt like fucking hell then. My entire universe would have crashed. But, having it happen almost two years later didn't make it hurt less. It fucking hurt. A lot. I cried. I fucking cried. Hard. Then I sucked it up and went about my day. But. Now, I'm angry.

Did she know? Did she know that I was over at your house until that weekend after Halloween? You were still calling me every day back then. You were talking to me for hours. You asked me to talk dirty to you over the phone. Via text. To see if we could "make this work" as you said. You fucking asshole. I feel like you were already in it with someone else. Just. I don't know. Seeing how that hit different for you, I guess. And it did. Cos. I guess you live together now. It's funny. Almost. It's fucking almost funny that your timeline hits just like ours did. So. I hope you are happy. Truly. You dick.

I'm angry. I'm fucking mad as hell. I cannot help myself. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm sad. I just. You left and I just left, too. I dropped off the fucking planet. I was doing so good for myself. I convinced myself that I needed to do all these things to be happy to keep up the things I needed to do for "me" when I just was waiting for you to see my value. Then I didn't hear from you and for the longest time... I just wasn't ready, honestly. I guess this proves I'm still not ready. But, instead I threw myself into myself. Into my world. Into all the boring motherfucking things he said I was- I just. I went all in for myself. The world is too disheartening though. I met too many assholes. I realized, I need to heal parts of me or I won't be able to find a decent human being on this earth. Honestly.

I'm sick of the sub par dudes that come my way. I deserve better. But then I contradict myself because I'm fucking angry. I'm not able to handle my life. At all. I'm just barely hanging on most of the time. I really am not doing well, you guys. But. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. We are all fucking walking around this earth like nothing matters. Like the world is just barely hanging on and about to end because it fucking is. The world is just. Fucked. And I just thought. I.... I just thought... You would come back. But, no. That's not the case. So that means that I fucked up. I wasted so much time on the wrong people. Fuck all y'all. Anyone who likes me nowadays who is a decent human being doesn't have the balls to tell me. Because I just keep ending up on dates with fucking twatheads. People who don't have all their shit together. Or just seem like they are closeted. I'm not your beard. Fuckin hell. I'm still just in this spot. Looking out at the world like it's a beautiful place and people look back at me and don't register I exist at all. I'm a cartoon character who changes her outfit and someone says, hey, isn't that the same voice as this other character that very much IS NOT ME. It's great somedays when I just want to disappear. Which is most days. But then I just get it in me that I will get up and be a person who talks to people! And then I realize that, it's draining and I am done. SO done. Just so done. I'm sad and hurt and drained and done.

I feel like. I don't like me again. I like me and then I look in the mirror and I'm like, who are you? ew. Then, other times, I just don't care. I am me. This is me. All of it. People find happiness in weird ways. I just need to fix this part of me. The part that things I'm still broken. I don't feel so empty anymore. I feel better about that. I don't feel like I'm searching for anything anymore. I did that. I feel better reminding myself I did that. I did a lot of work. A lot. I just feel that now, I said the truth to people and they don't like to hear it. They don't want to hear it. So I'm angry and then I take it out on people I'm close with and that's basically no one, so here I am. Angry. Hurt. Giving up hope that I'll find someone that can give me all the things those other douchebags pretend they want to give me. I need actions. I need actions without words. Just do it. Just go where you want to and do the things you feel. I need my confidence back. I miss yoga. I really do. Every time I stop going it's because I'm dealing and I cannot move when I'm dealing. I become frigid. I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm just laying there letting life happen to me instead of stopping it. Stopping the things that I cannot find my voice about. Maybe. Just maybe. I need to be more assertive and speak up more. I don't know. I just need to feel. Better. OH-

That's the other thing. Oh. Yeah. That thing. I am still angry about that. I have a knack for attracting the worst fucking dudes. But... then I crawl back and let out my... I don't know. My love. It's not even for him. It's for me. To feel real again. To remind myself I can still feel. That I can still get my brain to be back on track. That I can get myself to feel happy for a few moments. But then... I dunno. He fell asleep that one time and then I just felt like. It was cute. I missed him and that feeling and we were too young in the beginning to do that sort of thing. But, then he woke up and left. And I dunno. Its too far in between things to get a handle on how I feel about it. I like it and I don't. I like the way he smells and the way his mouth tastes and how he says and does things like we were still teenagers and it's so cute. But, I don't want more than just that from him. I want all that, but for real. I just don't think he would ever get his shit together long enough to do that. Or that he would want to. He did say once when we were in our twenties that we should get married if we are both single in our thirties. And here we are. Both unmarried and just meeting up randomly here and there and it doesn't mean anything. But, it also means everything. I cannot explain that I suppose. Chemistry just exists. It doesn't go away. It's just there. But, people have actions that put up walls and create boundaries. But, the feelings are still there for me. Always. With anyone I've ever had any feelings about. I'm just mad. I'm just angry. I'm just hurt. I just really want to connect like that chemistry but in all levels. I'm just still waiting. That's what is killing me!

I'm still waiting. I just don't know for whom now, I suppose. I had an idea, but now I don't anymore.

I guess that's okay.