TRY HARDER

 Into the world I go. Just a step away from... I don't know. What is it? What is it that keeps me from the edge these days? I feel as though it's time to reassess. To implore the reasons. The safety I keep in my own self worth. What is it? What drives me? I had a goal. I had a purpose. It was always to find my soulmate. To walk the earth not as just me, but as the combination of two into one. A whole number. Not a part. I had searched the world over. Always playing games. Never finding. Seeking and never finding. I had thought I found it. Him. I wanted so badly for it to be true. The one I was looking for. The piece that I was missing. I was horribly wrong. Disasterly. Awfully. Irreproachably wrong. If there was a reason for me to be born, following my actual birthday being one of the worst oil spill disasters ever known- it was to make an utterly huge mistake. I had thought that my soulmate was an absolute abuser. I was seeking so desperately. So sadly, desperately. I had found someone who told me all the things I wanted to hear. He was handsome and funny. He was dorky, but I liked it. I am dorky, too. Awkward and real. I wanted it all. I was wrong. Fucking wrong wrong wrongity wrong wrong. Ding dong, hello? YOU WERE WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong wrong.... wrong.... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong...

YOU WERE WRONG. Fucking wrong.

I knew it in my heart. I built myself back up. I had to start over. Completely. Everything horrible I ever experienced. All of it. Abuse. Neglect. Bullied. Abuse. Abuse. Abuse! I had lead of life of a hood over my head. Protecting myself. A hard covering over my heart. I was always so open to anyone who would see my vulnerability. It was never clear if it meant they wanted to help me or hurt me. I let them in anyways. No doubt. Always. Come on in! EASY TARGET HERE. 

So an easy arrow struck. And I pulled it out. Each backwards razor. I pulled bits of my heart's own flesh out with it. I took it and I grabbed it and I stared him in the eyes and pulled it until I had a pulsating organ of flesh rippling with blood. Spilling everywhere. I didn't care. I was free. 

Fucking free.

I was free. 

I started there. I took myself. I did. I saw the blood pooling and I watched it. I stared outward until I collapsed from the pressure. The fatigue. I stood like a statue long enough so that you never knew I was there. I was never insignificant. I was there. Standing proud. Holding my head up high. I was there. I was immovable. I was reborn. As a statue spilling everything for anyone to take. For the blood suckers to do what they will. To take. Take. Take. Take. Take. take.

but I was free. I was free. I was free. I was free. I was free. I was free. 

There was a choice. I had to make one and I did. I chose. I chose so wrongly. I was just kept at arm's length. Unrequited. It kept me going. It kept me afloat. I was always telling myself I deserved more. I was getting more. It was hard to process that a greasy, scumbag who had not a cent to his name- nor an ambition to hold onto me- was better than who I had chosen as my soulmate. Someone who barely tried. Barely did anything at all. He was better. He was better than you. At his core. He was still better than you. 

I had so much. So much riding on this. This had to be it. This had to be the thing I was looking for. He never fully let me in so I found myself instead. I told myself I was doing this for me. That I was striving for something better. That I was growing stronger. That I was going to be what I had always knew I would be. That I would see my goals and face them head on. That I would cross my list off. One by one by one by one by one by one... Until they were accomplished and I had new goals- ones out of my reach. Out of my fathom for goals. I was ambitious. I wanted it. I wanted the life that I missed by being shut down. I kept going. I was still willing to move. To commute. To make it work. I wanted more and I never got it. I knew I never would. Deep down. I knew I never would. I can't get something that will never come. Man. it hurt.

It hurt like a bitch.

It hurt to hear your voice. To know. That it would never be mine. Never. Never. Never. Never.

did I think so little of myself that I thought that was it? was that it? I didn't cum for a year and a half save 3 times and I thought that was it? that was happiness? driving over an hour wanking off in the car wishing you would do it for me? Fuck.

It got better. It really did. *Clears throat* It got better. It really did. I started to try again. I started to try again. I started to try AGAIN. 

I was cut down. I was naive again. I was brave again. Nevermind... No! I was brave! I didn't know my own worth. for awhile. A long while. I had help.

I lost. I lost I lost I lost I lost again. I still think about a lot of people. I think of a lot of losses. I think of my best friends laying in the wake of my past. The times that I wish I could take back. I was stubborn. Selfish. I was a hammer. Stubborn. A stupid fucking asshole. I take it back. I truly do. But.... I also don't. I don't regret the love I've given, only that it was to the wrong people. Because at the end of it all... I found me.

I found myself. I found the person I am meant to be. The goals keep on coming. The fight is strong, but I am here. I am here and whole. I am alive. I am worthy. I am in love with myself and the world. If only everyday could prove that... If only I knew how to keep going. 

I wonder now. I wonder who I was. Who I was to think I deserved so much less than I get. I get so much right now and I think, how lucky am I? But, haven't I always had the power? The will? The drive? Determination? 

I no longer seek my soulmate. I understand. I know it. He is out there. Somewhere. And when I am ready, he is ready. We will figure it out. When it comes. I will know it. I will be fine. I will handle it. Because, love isn't supposed to feel like hurt. It isn't supposed to be pain. It isn't supposed to be unrequited. It isn't supposed to hurt like I have hurt before. It's supposed to be easy. Like choosing to wake up. Like choosing to go another day. Because you know he is in the world, waiting for you to be ready. Well. 

HEY 

Fuck. This is loud...

*clears throat* 

Hey. I um... I would like to meet you. I would like to know you. I value myself. I know I have a sketchy past, but I am worthy of love. Right now. Right here. No matter my size. No matter how many chins. No matter how many dark circles under my blue eyes. No matter the amount I pressure myself to be better. Do better. I deserve you. And you... I. I am here. I am here and I want you. Just know that. I want you. Every inch of you. No matter how loud or soft or shy or outgoing or tall or short or chubby or thin or rich or poor. I want you. I want all of you. I want to feel your skin under my fingertips and know all of you. I want to feel your soul from the inside out. I want to see you for who you are, even if you don't. I want it. All of it. I will have it. And you will, too. 

So...... what are you waiting for?