Flying Microtonal Banana

 I don't think I'm what you are looking for.

Really.

You.

I don't think so.

... I don't know. *sigh*

I sit there and I stare at the bottles and I think, just respond. Just ask. Just try. Anything. So, I have conversations. I run into people. "What do you do?" I ask. Not even sure if I care, I just want a conversation. I'm lonely and I want to feel alive. Is that really what anything is all about? I just want to feel alive. I ask because.... What is living if I don't know what you are thinking? What anyone is thinking? "I am a sports writer. I live in NYC actually...." after a few moments and back and forth questions, "I went to Manheim Township," he says. Me too. He's actually only a few years younger than me. He's good looking. It doesn't matter though. His bro keeps hounding him. "Bro. We are up next on darts. Bro! We are gonna miss out on our turn for darts! We are up next, bro!" He's been leaning on me for awhile. The sports writer. He keeps leaning into me and after awhile I make eye contact with the bartender up from my book as I lean back into him. He's cute. I wouldn't mind him striking up a conversation. Too bad it's time for bro time. I text back and forth between two exes. They both offer me sex in different ways. I don't know how I feel, but I accept one over the other. I leave the bar and forget all that I've read. "Have a good night... enjoy your book, miss biologist" says the sports writer and I say, "you too. Enjoy your night" like a dumbass. Bros before hoes. I think he might have messaged me once on a dating site and I wish I could remember which one and what was exchanged. Did he actually say something wrong.... or just message me when someone else had said something wrong and I had no hope for men at that moment....?

I go home and I don't even remember a lot. I just know that he came over. I answered the door at some point. I must have. I know he said he was looking for parking. I opened the door and he was there. He's just so cute. Always. His sea green eyes and jolly cheeks and soft hair. I hug him. I kiss him. We awkwardly shower and I feel him up and soap him up. I watch the bubbles fall down his skin and I enjoy every minute for what it is. I wish there was more. That this was something lasting. Or I dunno. Is it him or the feeling? The mutual feeling that this is.... sort of..... meaningfully meaningless....?

We kiss and make out and I tell him to fuck my face because I just feel like I invited him over for a dumb reason and that's just what he's there for anyways. He does and I say he can stay if he wants. He wants to and I am too drunk to think about how this might be the first time in about 20 years we have met up that he stays over with me. Maybe the first time we had sex ever. When we lost our virginity together. I suppose that night we did sleep in a teepee together. I can't think of any other time we did. I asked him how he felt about me and he's shy about it like he always is. Always eluding. I'm fast to tell him that it's just.... like.... chemistry. That we are just two pieces of the same fabric. Two different patterns that weave together and it's just.... inevitable. I just..... feel him and want him... I tell him about how I don't care if he is 16 or 36. I want him just the same. He's sexy. I just.... feel that chemistry. Always. He tells me that he remembers me teasing him for the first time. We kissed and I ran my fingers along his hips and drove him wild and he still thinks about it when he is alone. I smile coyly and tell him I do too. I kiss his hip bones and he laughs and his body pulses and I laugh at him. The memory. Everything. I'm drunk and I kiss him and I play a game and zone out and barely listen to him. He agrees. We just.... have an unspoken chemistry. Too bad it's not enough to make you want to marry me. To want to keep me. I close my eyes and go to sleep. I wake in the night with a Charlie horse. At first, I'm startled by the feeling. Then I realize he is still there and he's awake and I tell him what's happening and laugh to ease the tension. It's the way that I've learned to deal with things. Laugh. Laugh and laugh. I clutch my leg until it stops. I fall back asleep immediately, still drunk. I wake up in the morning and take ibuprofen to stop my head from pounding. I fall back asleep and wake up and he's there and it's honestly nice. I think again I wish that I was what you were looking for. I close my eyes, smiling. I don't think I was ever what you were looking for. But this chemistry is nice and I didn't stop loving you. Never will. I don't stop loving anyone. It's a curse. A burden and a curse. You wake up later for the morning and go home. I walk you out and I go about my day. Maybe with a little smile on my face.

I keep getting... bombarded. With men I don't want. I get them asking me. Telling me. You have a sweet pussy. Well. Thanks. ...? Isn't that what every single woman wants to hear? Ha. No. Not really. I mean... it's flattering. Just like everything else. But... I just.... I want that chemistry that is lasting. I appreciate it. Really. I truly do... Thanks for thinking I am worth taking home at the end of the night after you have had too many beers and I know you're married. I'm just.... not what you are looking for. I want something real. I want to just... ugh. I feel like this shouldn't be something I have to fucking explain. I want something easy. I want someone I can talk to about books and music and food and.... have common interests with. I want to fall in love mutually. I want you to fall in love with me like I fall in love with you. I don't know how else to put it. Read to me. Tell me books to read. Help me and guide me and let me give you advice too. Let me impress you randomly so that you remember how it was you fell in love with me in the first place. *exhales into stray hairs* Is it too much to ask that we do a puzzle together and at the end of the day I get to touch your dick and drive you mad and you smile and tell me that you want me just as bad as I want you? Dammit.

I visit him at his work endeavor and I am surprised to find out, after much alluding, that his partner is an ex-girlfriend. He drops his sign and almost acts like he will hug me and then my son asks me for food and my daughter complains it's too cold and I appease them. Because what is some past love to my beautiful babies? Who is some one night of love and affection and sex compared to my children who need all of my attention and adoration. I let them lead me around and I suck up my stabbed pain in my heart, knowing that he's probably boinking her too. I don't doubt it. I just.... feel like an idiot. I still reach out later and I put myself out there and I get......... ignored. So. I go on with my day. I feel it and I let it go. It washes through me and I go about my week. I just..... had some chemistry and there it goes. It ebbs and flows like the ocean and I just... let it go.

I stare at the reply. It really stings. I just..... reply. I send my heartfelt apologies for mis reading everything and I just.... reply with empathy and an open heart. I sit there and I cry. I reach out and explain my feelings to someone who listens and then I hear a word or something. I just don't look up because... I'm crying. My eyes are red and I'm pretty sure my mascara is running. I don't like crying in front of people. The cube was otherwise empty. I just freeze and pretend I didn't hear anything at all. I cry big drops and let them fall in a puddle on my left thigh and blow my nose. I try not to let it bother me. I try to suck it up. To push it down. I go to the bathroom and compose myself. Then I do it. I confront it. So what was it you said? "What?" he replies and I feel like an absolute idiot. I care more about what other people think than what they think about me and I just... I make up an excuse and apologize, "Oh, I thought you said something earlier... sorry... maybe you didn't... sounded like a word... maybe not... anyways..." I turn to go away and you respond. You are kind and It almost hurts more. Like I know you are a good man and it hurts to feel like you may or may not want to be talking to me. You laugh. You always laugh. You explain and I laugh too. I feel better. Slightly. I linger. I linger like I always do. I want to be around you. I'm close enough that I can sort of smell your deodorant kicking in and I wonder if I am the only one sweating at that moment. It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell if I'm alone feeling what I feel because the odds are always against me. 

I see you walking. I think about asking if you want a ride. It's probably stupid. Too late. I just.... I just don't want to make it awkward. If you don't like me back it'll be awkward. I just don't know what to do. I have this feeling like I should reach out as much as I should never say anything at all. Because... once it's said... it's just.... there..... Chemistry or not... If the feeling isn't mutual..... I'll be hurt. And I just feel like I'm hurt all the time. By nothing. By everything. By nothing. 

I'm happy and sad and it hits me hard and soft and I just..... want things to just............

I sit in the parking lot unsure of what to do for awhile. Maybe 15-20 minutes. I finally tell myself to shut up and I get the courage and I go in. I hug my best friend and it's long. A good long hug. One like we usually have. I just feel like we were destined to be best friends and I am glad for it. I hug him so long his other best friend makes a comment about being jealous and I half hug him. I am so lonely, I don't mind hugging anyone at this point, but I also know he is missing and grieving, too and I hug him warmly. I can't say how much I needed it all. To hear all the stories. To hear all the bullshit. To just... Be with friends. To understand people who understand me. I am glad of it.

I get hit on some more. You just taste so sweet. I'm back in the same boat again and I wonder. My best friend tells me to tell him. Just tell him. Tell him you like him. Life is too short to wonder. Ah. But, he doesn't have to work directly with someone who may not like me back. I leave and I fall on my knee and I calmly and respectfully decline advances from two men. 

Here I am. Puzzled by the world. Wishing that the chemistry I felt was reciprocated. I feel like I am on a path. One that has to lead somewhere. To someone. Here I am. 

Here I am.

Here I am.

Here.... I ..... am.