Klapp Klapp

 I look over the edge. I felt the dread. The dirt crumbled around roots and I followed without looking up. Just knowing I was getting higher and higher. Closer and closer to dread. I look over the edge. It was like a movie. A swirl of foamy water, rushing around the boulders. Forest all around. I watched my friend run and jump and leap. She hit the water with a satisfying splash. She surfaced, gasping, laughing. She smoothed her blonde hair back. I felt old. She wasn't that much younger. I must have been nineteen. Or twenty, maybe. I don't think I was twenty-one yet. I was still nursing Mike's Hard Lemonades at parties, trying to get my bolder friend to stop sharing funny moments she and I had in random intimate moments. It made me feel like a toy, being paraded around. Like my sister always made me feel. Like I was a doll to show off. "Listen to how she says this one word..." My other friend ran and jumped. Her feet thumping the dry dirt, she leapt and gracefully dove down to the water. She surfaced and laughed. She egged me on. They both cheered and called for me. I looked at them and wanted to be like them. Brave. Beautiful. Skinny. I wasn't any of those things and I was suddenly self conscious. I took deep breaths. I ran and hesitated. I hesitated. I stopped. Later, my British friend, she told me she had a nightmare about it. About me. Gasping for air. "Help me!" I sucked in the air and caused her to wake sweating in the night. It wasn't the same for me. I felt bad for her nightmares, truly, but instead... I was laying in bed. Practically comatose. In the worst pain I ever knew. I simultaneously wanted nothing to do with moving, but I was so fucking bored. Sitting up in bed with my foot on a pillow. Both feet hurt like fucking hell. But, one of them was fractured. One toe was broken on the other foot. But the fractured foot, that one had a dislocated toe. Which the doctor in the ER tried to put back in place in good faith by "distracting me." I screamed bloody murder. I screamed like that one other time. When the nurse giving me an IV while I was in labor with my daughter hit a nerve. It came out of me from a depth that I cannot describe or repeat. Not without accompanying pain. My friend described what I had done as if I had ran and then decided to stop. I hesitated and stopped. Then, I walked off the edge. I did a pencil dive into shallow water; too afraid to leap over the edge. I was scared and I plummeted. I came up for air after hitting the bottom. I had the wind knocked out of me. I was seeing the world without water, but no air was getting in my lungs. I croaked, help me! Before I was able to actually take a breath. I started taking in air, the shock was hitting me. My back hurt. It felt bruised at the base of my spine. I touched it, thinking for sure it was broken. I was moving my legs. I was kicking and thrashing my arms. I calmed myself and pulled up my feet. I looked at my toes. One toe was purple and the other foot... One toe was bent at a 30 degree angle to the right. I still can't move that toe very well. I find stiffness in my ankles. It's hard to take off pants and put on shoes sometimes. I feel like an idiot sometimes trying to get naked. One guy made fun of me for how hard it was to get pants off me. I made a joke about them being painted on. When really, I have limited mobility. Yoga helps, but it only works if I keep going. 

I stopped. The air was thick with alcohol. I wasn't wiping. I wasn't cleaning. I was thinking. I realized. I was hesitating. I hesitated. I had this opportunity. To just take a leap of faith and I stopped. I hesitated. I decided not to leap. The stagnation that I feel is the figurative feeling I felt in that moment- that I need to decide to run and jump or I will run and fall. I will break myself. I will remain in a perpetual state of waiting for the opportunity that will never come. I'll just lay here in my bed, sitting upright and angry at everything. Wishing I could do something, but in too much pain to make the leap. Too scared to see what is on the other side of the cliff. To see the depth and the shallow water and make an assessment that can cradle or crush me... 

I was covered in mud. I smelled like a swamp. The river around here is full of farm run-off. A nice way of saying cow shit and piss. I had leaves in my hair. I was tired and in pain and no one cared. The ER was busy that day. My ex boyfriend came. I called him and he came as soon as the ambulance did. He followed it to the hospital and sat with me on the gurney they gave me to lay in the middle of the hall. There wasn't enough beds and my injuries weren't an emergency. Kid who jumped into shallow water... not an emergency. He joked with me and made me laugh. A trait I valued in him. Even if he was telling me that he would break up with his girlfriend right now if I wanted him back. I just rolled my eyes. How many times have I blocked him and then unblocked him now? Three? Last I heard he wanted a divorce from his wife... and then after he tried to talk about his fantasy of coming to my house and fixing something minor, he would push me against the wall, I needed to wear those shorts I had on last time, and he would fuck me standing there. But, then I heard he decided to try to "make it work." I never heard from him again. I blocked him and I don't want to ever hear from him again. He's a drug. He's a special kind of drug and he knows that he's my special flavor of drug and I can't help it. I'm drawn to him like a fly to a spider's web. I get caught and before it's too late, I'm devoured. My heart and soul left aching. I jabbed him back with another weightlifting joke and he shut up. Realizing that as much power as he has, he can still be defenseless, too. Or at least, he let me think it.

I started wiping again. It couldn't have been too long I was gone. It's been awhile since I felt that... bogged down. That my thoughts were so thick, I could spread them like jam on toast. With a nice tea. To just settle me into my headspace and help me sort out everything I don't get yet. I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to... think. I stopped again. I let my hands rest. The alcohol in the air. I was only vaguely aware of things around me. Someone spoke to me. Softly. I turned my head and was brought back to reality. To the real world. My thoughts are still mud. Caked dirt and leaves in my hair. I blinked. I realized my eyes were alive. I was alive. I'm here. I forgot. I took some deep breaths and remembered what I was doing. Why I was doing. I have a job to do. No matter how stagnant. My arms moved like I was home, but I don't think I was there. I don't think I'm anywhere at all.

My arms stretched across the sheets. It wasn't as cold as I thought. I felt so warm. My phone rested under a pillow. A mass of blankets. Maybe two pillows. I left it there and I closed my eyes. Just for a moment. Or so I imagined. 

I pulled back the thick of blankets. His golden curls were all over the place. He smoothed them back to one ear. He smiled at me. "I love you....." It was loud and soft all at once. "I love you and you know... I always will....." I reached for him, but it was as if he was being perpetually sucked backwards, away from me. The closer I got, the further I was. He was there.... the words were in the air... They lingered and I reached my hands out. To feel his face. His curls. To tell him I felt the same... But the more I reached, the more sheets and blankets smoothed over my skin. The light came through the curtain. I stretched. I reached across the sheets. Unsure what I was going to find. Nothing. No one. I reached to my nightstand and my phone wasn't there. I remembered I had left it in the nest of pillows. I found it quickly. I remembered other things.... The actual dreams... Not just the astral plane dream... The dream that felt real. Whole. And real. This was just a dream. Like actual dreams are... You know they aren't real. They just... don't feel real. Something is always off. A color or something. I had the essence of long hair, a mane of hair. He is so fucking hot and I can't stand it. He sent me a message. I got it and I tried to respond, I imagined us meeting. That it wasn't just your brother trying to set us up. That there was something real there. A trip to a museum and we were on our way... Somewhere. There we were. 

I stole something. I didn't know what it was... I was trying on clothes. It was an old vintage store. I felt something in the pocket. I tried to pull it out, but I looked up and saw the clerk across the room. Her eyes were full of terror. Of regret. She started to shout, 'no!' before bullets were all around us. I ran. I didn't stop. I didn't try to see where my friend was or if the clerk was okay. I ran. I found the dressing room and I tucked into a hidden door and I followed the tunnel. I went in and I crawled until I reached a forest. It was nighttime. It was dark. I could see between the trees. I heard people in the distance. They were shouting, cheering, screaming. It was a carnival of chaos. Billows of pink smoke rose with flashes of red. I kept pace. I ran into the trees, not stopping to check for any signs of someone following me. Branches whipped at my arms, covered by this coat. A camel colored corduroy blazer with large, dark wooden buttons. I stopped and sat at the base of a tree. I sank. I breathed. I calmed myself. My friend was gone. I heard no one else around me. I became quiet. Silent streaks of tears fell down my cheeks, dripping from my chin. I kept my eyes open. My ears open. I heard a blast in the distance that caused me to jump. Was she dead? Was anyone alive? I awoke in the morning, birds chirping around me. A cool fog to subside the hot day to come. I checked my arms, my legs, my cheeks. My skirt was torn a few places. My legs scraped with red scabs. My sneakers caked with mud, twigs, leaves. My hands were near black. I was unable to see what injuries I may have. I used the inside of the jacket to wipe my eyes from sleep. My back was stiff, my ass asleep. I got up. I steadied myself. I started running. The smoke was still behind me. Blasts had a deafening silence. I ran and ran and ran. I came to town. Not mine, but the one where my friend lived. I stayed in the alleys. Avoiding the main roads. A parade was passing through the main road in town and I avoided the crowds. It was quieter in the alleys. I stood out no matter where I went. I turned corners at the glimpse of anyone nearby. An arm reached out for me, startling me. I looked up to see my friend's father with his finger to his lips. His beard hiding any part of his lips that was once there. My black hair fell forward while my face puckered. I was about to explode into sobs, it wasn't a good time. I sucked it in and nodded. I followed him inside. He tucked me into the floor boards. Moments later, officers arrived and he was questioned. Someone grabbed me from behind gently and pulled me behind another corner. A dark, dirt floor, out of sight. I couldn't see him being questioned, but we could hear. My friend was alive! She hugged me and I tried to cover the feeling of relief and pain with silence once more. I breathed long and slow. It seemed like hours later. Her father pulled us out. He snuck us around the side. Through the neighbors. There was a cemetery and an above ground pool. It was daytime. It was bright and the sun felt good on my skin. We tucked into the empty pool and he put the cover over top of us. The smell of algae stung my nostrils. I reached into my pocket.

I was sitting on the edge of a porch. The tree line was beyond a meadow. It was beautiful and bright. An insect buzzed nearby. Looking for something sweet. There were murmurs. Someone's wedding. I felt it. I felt the wine reaching through my blood. The warm feeling of hopeful love. The celebration of my friends. My dear friends were somewhere, laughing and taking shots. Kissing each other's cheeks to cheers inside. I was sitting on the porch. Smiling and sipping my sweet wine. My shoes were gone. I felt the warm air between my toes. I swung my legs back and forth. I thought about the albums I borrowed from another friend I saw walking towards someone else nearby. I watched him and thought about the influence it had on my current playlists. How, he didn't know how he was shifting my tastes. Neither did I, until that moment. I took a sip and smiled at him being silly. Rosy cheeks smiling while he touched his blonde beard. I looked up at the clouds. He sat next to me. He moved his hands through his thick hair and leaned back onto his elbows. I turned towards him. I minded my floral, above the knee flowy sundress. I let it hang over my thighs as I tucked one in. I let one leg continue to hang over the edge of the porch. He winked at me and I smiled at him, taking another sip. Another bug buzzed by and I followed its path, at peace. 

I blinked. I haven't had a dream like that in a long time. Not that vivid. Not like a story. But three. One was real. You were here. I felt you in my bed. You had your head on the mattress. On the pillow. I smelled you. I could smell the vintage cologne you wore. I smelled your scent. The way your hair smells. The way your breath smells. I smelled you and I wanted you to stay. You left so quick in the night, I dreamed a thousand lives before I could realize you were always here and never were all at once. I stared at the spot where I felt you. Where I saw you. Smelled you. Heard you. I closed my eyes and knew I was truly alone. But, never felt so full.