MAPS

I guess it's easier to pretend nothing happened than to face it head on. To just... act as though there's nothing wrong here. If whatever you want goes, then I guess it does. Right? 

I've never been the quiet type. Honestly. I was fiery and quick tempered for a long time. I know what I am. I wasn't the type to just sit and watch the world burn. I would point it out. I would tell someone if they were being a dick. I would call them the fuck out. I felt like when I was a kid, maybe I was very passive aggressive and a bit persnickety... some people find it funny. It's rarely charming. So... I quieted down. I learned to just stuff it down and then explode. It wasn't much different to be honest. And then I learned how to control my snark. How to just... be nice. Just be nice and cautious. It's actually weirdly empowering to just... not. To just.... be like water. Fuck fire. 

I think I got over it. I think I'm over him. "I see what you mean, he is really handsome." I smiled and I said, "Right? He's too fucking hot. Just put your mask back on, dude." It hit different though. It felt like I was talking about a friend. Anyone. He's objectively really fucking hot. Maybe I got over it. Maybe I just realized I don't have a chance in hell and I'm fine with it. I think.... I think I just... I dunno. I just realized that whatever will be, will be. It's the way it always has been. Is it worth pining over some hot guy? Hahahahahahahha, no. Maybe it was the "rules of three" where if I fantasize about someone too many times and cum while fucking someone else- they suddenly just cease to exist to me. I don't know. I don't know if there even are rules when it comes to me. I'm a fucking wall of unpredictable behavior. Just when you think I'll go quietly, I shout about dicks across the room. A quiet wild card. Someone who is just predictable enough to surprise you. Hm. That should go in a card or something. 

You are one of a kind,

you sure are mine,

you never really mind,

to forget your own line.

I am Alice in a wild world of my own imagination. Just dreaming away under a tree with my cat... But the adventures are all in my head. It's a fun time until I remember its not the world I live in. Well. It is the world I live in. But... everyone else is seeing a different movie. I'm not the main character, not the side kick, I'm a blurry extra. Sometimes it bothers me, but also... most of the time... I'm just... too busy being the blurry extra to fucking care. I don't even know what the main character is doing. Fuck it.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. I can tell where I don't want to go. Sort of. I just don't know exactly what is next. I just... let it flow. I let it come to me. I let the universe show me the way. This is the way. I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. It's too late and I have my head on straight, but it doesn't make a difference if I'm sort of lost without a map. But, I just feel it. I just want to move to the right or left... and I do. It takes me somewhere and that is where I am. I draw my own map. It's a series of pins in the board, showing where I have significant feelings. Good and bad. Dangerous and safe. I see them all and they form a pattern, a wave, a road. I see where I've been and where I should go. I know that I have a pin in my fingertips and I want to place it down. I want to put it somewhere... and I do. Right in front of where I was. Where I am. I know that's where I'm going. I'm just going on ahead. It's not a destination. Just a step in the right direction. 

Isn't it hilarious? Just an absolute GAS. You are going to leave us high and dry. Guess what, homie? I will be here. I'll see it. I'll see the pieces fall where they may. I'll be here... just... watching them fall where they may. But, I'm actually happy for your greedy ass. Go have fun. Realize what it is that you feel you need to. Maybe you'll never remember me. I was just another blip in the radar. Fell out of reach before it was even there. Peace, motherfucker! But, for me, you made an impact. A little one, sure. You made enough of an impact that I will probably think about you, just as though I think of many people who shouldn't be on my mind. Many people in a string of people who remind me why I am alive. Why I keep going. How I've grown. You are significant in the way that I realized how far I've come. To just... know I'm alive. I made it this far. I made it this far.