Succubus

15 Different Ways I Was Taught The Wrong Thing 

1. Moody I always felt like I couldn't come to you. I wanted to ask you things. I needed to know things. I wanted to grow and learn and you always made me feel like I wasn't allowed to ask. I was yelled at for it. I could never tell if you were going to be angry at me or not. I felt like at times you were compassionate and at other times- I was wrong and you were mad. I don't think I was that bad of a kid. It made me feel like I had to be careful of what I said. For fear of lashing out.

2. Critical I was called too skinny for years by family members. Then I was abused and starting developing into a young woman and I was teased for being fat. I felt like you always made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be myself. I had to numb myself down so that I wouldn't get criticized or get negative comments. I got this from 4 different women I looked up to. "Mother" figures. Who saw me as an enemy. Someone to nitpick and ridicule for... I dunno. Growing boobs. Men in the family, too. I remember telling my uncle once when I was in high school that I really didn't like that he called me fat. He told me he was "just joking" and that he didn't mean to hurt me. It did. A lot. 

3. Invalidation I was told I was too emotional. That I was just crying to get attention. That I was over reacting. That I wasn't allowed to be upset. That having emotions that are healthy and understandable are a burden.

4. Passive-Aggressive Because no one would tell me how they really felt... I got the passive aggressive feelings. Talk about walking on eggshells constantly! It was either, "I don't want to talk about it" or "you don't know anything about it!" Well... no. I don't. And you didn't teach me a healthy way of asking for help or accepting help or even explaining feelings. How did I figure out how I was feeling when I was taught that it wasn't meant to be expressed or talked about???

5. Anxiety There was a fear that I was too this or too that- when I was just using the shitty coping mechanisms that I was taught to get through life. It was bad at times. I would burst into tears and spend hours crying by myself wondering what to do with all the feelings. I would go to school the next day and people would ask me what was wrong and I used all the above to deal with it. Probably all the below, too. 

6. Guilt If I wasn't doing what they wanted, I was guilted into it. I became a people-pleaser. And when it wasn't appreciated- I became the abuser. I was angry that someone didn't appreciate my people-pleasing tactics. Why don't they want my love???? INTENSE ANXIOUS OVERBEARING LOVE??? No one wants that shit. That just made me feel guilty for wanting to love someone and because I wasn't getting that love back I was angry, too- what a fucked up feeling. 

7. Silence If you don't want to talk about it, then I was taught to just shut down. Shut the whole damn thing down. Act as though the thing they mentioned was so inexcusably horrendous that the only answer- was to have no answer. Shut it down. Stare them in the face so they know what they did. Without telling them. Because it was taught to me. How dare I even ask?

8. Absent I was constantly told not to bother them. I was bothering them. When I had my son I actually had an "ah ha" moment where I realized that I don't know how to play with kids. I didn't know how to play with kids when I was a kid and I didn't know how to play with my son. Because, no one played with me. I was sent outside or to be around other kids that weren't ever around and if they were, I emotionally shut myself off from them immediately because I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PEOPLE. I had that realization and it took me weeks to finally realize the impact it was having that that I needed to just hunker down and... I dunno. Play. It took me a long time to understand that my fear of playing with kids wasn't my fault and that kids are actually pretty fucking cool. Their games are wild!

9. Smothering I couldn't do anything without hearing about it from someone who wasn't even home at the time. It was often embarrassing. Like I was hiding just being a person. I wasn't able to explore myself or my interests because I was told I had to stay home as a teenager. Even when I was home I didn't know what to fucking do because- I was being watched and scrutinized constantly. Then we would have a good talk about it after everyone came home from work- because it was the "man's" job to discuss all the shit I did wrong all day. 

10. Victimizing It's not just that I was taught how to people-please by all this shit, but that it was my fault. It was always my fault. I was acting a certain way. I was dressing a certain way. I was made to feel like it was my problem that I was having to walk on eggshells. This was always my fault. It's why I fall into the trap of abusive relationships so often- I am already primed to be at fault for all your fucking shortcomings. I was taught by some family members that I'm the baby and I should get whatever I want. And by other family members that I am an entitled little shit and deserve nothing. How dare I ask for something I need? 

11. Self Destruction Burn it all fucking down. I just want to start over sometimes. But, I wasn't taught how to do that properly. I don't give a two weeks notice. I complain and I'm late until I'm fired. I can't outgrow a place and shake hands on the way out. I have to blow up and cause a scene. Or just not show up entirely. Same with relationships. I'll disappear or say something horrible until you just stop being my friend. Because it's not working and I don't know how to stop myself from letting it continue on. I gotta have a reason and not just like... I dunno, real shit. It's not because I just feel like it's not working out. It's gotta be some big thing. And if there isn't a big thing, I made something small into a big thing. I think that there has been a lot of growing up in this department for myself and I'll just pat my own shoulder for understanding that relationships just don't work out sometimes and I need to make steps to improve my situation and I can do that without hurting people. Not that it doesn't still happen sometimes, too. But damn. It was bad when I was a teenager until like... I dunno... the last few years when I decided to grow the fuck up.

12. Anger I really carry a lot of resentment for the "parents" that raised me. I'm not calling anyone specific out on here because I don't think I can start that many fucking conversations that end in all the above at once, but I did have a number of maternal and paternal figures. Some that weren't even supposed to be parents at the time. Some that were forced into roles because of all the above. But, I can say, it taught me a lot of anger and resentment for everyone involved. It's hard not to hate the people who made you struggle as an adult to just have a normal relationship. I fucking hate everyone for it. Not to say I'm not also forgiving or try- just... Fuck all you assholes. Even if you didn't know better. It still fucked me up. THANKS.

13. Fear I remember the various times I had "big news" to tell people and then... I put it off. I got scared. Because... what will they say? I remember I wanted to tell my "best friends" about being pregnant with my daughter and I hesitated because I was afraid they would say I shouldn't. That I shouldn't have more kids. That I was a bad mom. That I was going to be in a bad spot because of it. When I finally did tell them- I spilled all my fears also. I said I was scared to tell them. I didn't know how they would react. And, surprisingly, they were all supportive. Although, it wasn't quite the same and we stopped being friends within a few months because of all the above/being immature/picking the wrong people. And the comment that triggered it all to end? "I just don't think you can handle having two kids and I won't be able to help." Oh. Okay. Got it. It just... made me afraid to even have friends. I remember wanting to tell someone very close to me that I decided to go back to college and they responded with, "Are you sure you have time for that?" It was a strike to the gut. I was devastated by that answer. I had spent a great deal of time making sure everyone else's needs were met... that I neglected mine. I was ready to start working towards my goals and that sounded nice on paper to you until I actually started doing it. Then it was not a good idea to you! I was afraid of failing (and I do fail classes sometimes and that sucks buttholes- but it's a normal part of life). I was afraid of not being present for my children. I was afraid of messing up at my job. (And I do all those things, but I just have to keep going because it's MY GOAL.) It hurt SO MUCH to hear that from someone I really cared about. That they felt fear for me enough to tell me. I must be wrong for thinking I could get a degree. And these thoughts live with me constantly. I failed a class and it debilitated me. I've been floating through my classes ever since because- maybe I CAN'T handle it all. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Not good enough. Are you understanding how fucked up that comment was?????? I still have it in my head. I can't even get through my classes right now and dropped down to one because someone I needed in my corner gave me FEAR rather than support. GTFOH.

14. Therapist I had to be the emotional mediator for so many adults that eventually- I just became everyone's therapist. My own therapist called me a "self-cleaning oven" because I figure out my own shit on my own and then I talk through it and then I feel better. I already have it worked out before I go in to see her. She just.... listens. She validates and listens. But, I'm not a licensed therapist. I wasn't trained by a professional. Just emotionally abusive paternal figures that decided I needed to be the one to make them feel better in one way or another (see above list) and I had to learn to cope with it and the sooner I figured out their shit, I could go be alone in my room and cry by myself to deal with it all. Pro-tip: don't tell a family member who hasn't experienced the abuse you have, all the details, when they haven't asked. Okay, thanks for reading.

15. Toxicity I don't actually know what good relationships look like. I still live in a constant state of over analyzing and fear that I'm in another bad one. This person seems too nice. They seem to care too much. Once I put trust in someone and decide I was just being scared of nothing- I realize just how wrong I really was. I really thought someone was the NICEST and then found out a few months later that he was cheating on me. Fucking hell. What is this cycle of horrible relationships? Oh- I know. It's the above. All the fucking above. 

These are the things I need to constantly work on and remind myself in response to all the above:

1. Grace It's okay to have feelings. It's not okay to take out all the feelings on everyone else. There is peace and tranquility in having grace when around people and you are feeling strong things. It's also okay to cry. To share. It's actually really okay to take time for yourself and focus on healing from those feelings. It's okay. Be weary of oversharing, spiraling, or becoming angry at someone you are talking to. It's not okay to project or hurt someone because you hurt. It's okay to cry about something that makes you sad, wipe your eyes, and then continue on. You don't need to share, but if you do, make sure it's with someone who has never given you a reason to make you feel bad for having those feelings. A safe person to say, "hey, I'm being triggered, but I'll be okay." or "I just had some unsettling news, I need to go home and process." You set the boundaries on where and when you share. 

2. Empower I learned a lot from a short time working with kids and the decades I spent practicing yoga. Words are really powerful. Tell yourself thank you. Find a statement that has little value to you at the moment and say "I AM." I'll start: "I am beautiful." "I am smart." "I am capable." "I am strong." "I am present." "I am kind." "I am brave." Say one thing. Say them all. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself and say one of the things. It sounds really silly or awful to someone who is going through the above- I know. Because I was there before. I was angry that people actually loved themselves and I was too stubborn and unhappy to understand... it was up to me to heal that part of me. It's always up to me. I am capable. 

3. Validation Sometimes I just need someone to listen and then say to me, "you are doing great." But referring back to #2, that is up to me to do. I need to keep telling myself to go on. That I am doing this on my own and I'm doing it well. Even if it's not always perfect. Everything can go wrong and I still need to find the silver lining and remind myself that I have gotten through worse and I GOT THIS SHIT.

4. Honesty These are my feelings that I'm feeling. I'm feeling them RIGHT NOW. I am allowed to name the feelings. I am allowed to feel frustrated or upset because someone is being annoying. I'm allowed to feel those feelings. I'm allowed to tell them I'm feeling frustrated by what they've said or did. As long as I approve it with grace and an open heart. I can accept that people have reasons for doing things and it's not always that it's that they don't like me or something. No one is out to get me like in a high school drama on tv- just be honest. Be honest with how you feel and how you would like things to go moving forward. This can be smooth. This can be nice and smooth. As long as I keep a clear head and mind- then I can't fault anyone if it doesn't work out. I need to speak my truth in a kind way and let the pieces lay where they do.

5. Hope I need to have hope that I'm doing the right thing. That I'm on the right path. That people I invite into my life are going to be kind and loving. I need to have hope that I can nourish myself and others. That I can be healthy, happy, and emotionally available. I just need to keep on hoping. 

6. Accountability There are times when things are my fault and times when they aren't. When they aren't my fault, I need to be able to deal with it with grace and understanding. It's okay to make mistakes. Even ones that are out of my control. When I make mistakes that I could have fixed by paying more attention or biting my tongue or whatever the fuck else- I need to hold myself accountable. I am responsible for my own feelings. For my own actions. For my own consequences. Accept that I have done something wrong. Own up to it. Move forward. 

7. Speaking up I can express my feelings in a calm and healthy way. I can control when things aren't okay because I'm in control of myself. I can speak up when things aren't okay. I can choose to step away from toxic people. I can choose to say that I appreciate what they have told me and I need to think and process, but that their feelings are okay to have and it's okay to tell me about them. I can speak. 

8. Present I am present. I am here. I am alive. I am awake. I am available. I can say, "yes!" even if I don't feel like it. Even if I don't want to. Whatever the excuse- I can show up for my children when they need me. I can show up for myself when I need me. I can touch objects in the room and name feelings. I can remind myself of facts that won't change and ground myself to the here and now. I am here. I am here.

9. Ignite I can politely exit myself from situations and people that make me feel like there's not enough air in the room for anyone other than them. I can choose to light people's fires and keep them alive rather than putting down and putting out people's flames. I have the choice to be there for someone or not. If I cannot do it with kindness and grace, I must excuse myself. I must stand back and let someone grow. Let them glow even if it's brighter than me. Even if they grow more than me. I need to be happy for people who are kicking ass! Fuck yeah! Get it!

10. Survivor I am alive. I was put here and I breathe and I'm here. I survived all that shit in my life to be here so I can continue on. I will not place myself in a box where I am pitied. I am a survivor. I am strong. I am able. I am capable. 

11. Enhance I can improve. I can do better. If I forget myself, I can come back to this spot right here and remind myself that it's not my fault I was taught the wrong thing, but it is my fault to get sucked back in and do nothing to make it better. I am an adult. I am in charge of myself and my body and I can improve my situation. I can enhance my mind, my body, my spirit and glow the fuck up!

12. Compassion I have the choice to ask questions and understand. I don't need to lash out or be sucked into thoughts of jealousy or whatever the hell else. I can be empathetic. I can be there for people without it taking the life out of me. I can be thankful. I can thank my family for doing the best they could and understanding that they were the product of their own development and I can forgive. I can forgive them for everything they did- not for them. No. But, for me. For me to move forward, I can forgive myself for not being able to understand why this happened to me. I can forgive myself for staying around them for too long. I can forgive myself for shutting down. I can forgive them for making me feel like I had to. Because, they probably were projecting shit that happened to them. I can understand that. I don't need to let them into my life any more than they are. I don't need to invite them into my inner workings. I don't need to apologize for them. Or to them. I can forgive enough so that I can let the pain die for me. 

13. Courage I am strong enough to meet my goals. I have the strength. I have the guts. I have what it takes to keep on going. To keep being the best person I can be in any given time. I can continue on even when I'm triggered. Even when I'm hurt. I have the courage to keep getting up. To keep moving. To keep going. To keep being strong. 

14. Inspire I have the choice to help someone and ask deeper questions without being involved. I can make suggestions without actually making them. I can help someone to understand their own worth by empowering them. By inspiring them. By reminding them of what they already know. I don't need to make decisions for them. I don't need to try to be in the middle of other people's problems or find them solutions. I can just help them grow by reminding them of what they already know. I can inspire myself, too. I'm not in charge of their feelings. Only mine. I'm not in charge of their actions. Only mine. I can encourage from over here on the sidelines. 

15. Safe I am my own safe space. I can write and sing and I can cry. I can be safe for myself. I can be my own safe space. I can be a safe place for my children, too. They need me to have a good foundation so I can teach them how to build their own. So I can help them build it. So I can solidify a good relationship between them and me. So I can have a good relationship with myself. So they can have good relationships with themselves. So they can feel safe always and never feel like they are lacking. I can be a safe space until their safe space is ready. I can be a safe space even if they don't feel safe because of others. I am a safe person to come to. 

One day at a time. One reminder at a time. It's a constant work in progress. I need to remind myself. I am here. I am present. I am brave. Beautiful. Strong. Capable. And you are too.