Why Bother?

 There is always an unspoken chemistry. Barely saying anything, but I hear it all. You kept implying there was something here. Between us. Something that you couldn't resist. A fire that grew. Consumed you. Consumed me, too. I felt it. I wasn't about to light the match. You have someone in your life. I wouldn't pretend I don't want you. But, I won't take you. I won't try. I wanted to stop you. Stop the feeling that was growing between us. There was a line that got crossed and I tried to stop you and I didn't want to as much as I knew I should. So it stopped. You needed to talk about it. You kept implying that it fucked up your whole weekend. I just stood there like an idiot waiting for you to decide what to do. I knew what you would do. You would stay with her. You said you wouldn't. But, I knew you would. I knew I was just waiting for my heart to break. I let you go. I didn't stop you from crossing the line again. A goodbye. Someone would see the last of you. I knew it was me. 

The dream made me realize how I felt in reality. I had a crush on someone I shouldn't. I let it ride. I thought that it would stop me from liking the man who moved. The one that I haven't heard from for a month or so and I miss. I thought if I kept thinking about him it would change something. Really, it only distracted me for a little while. I knew what it was. What was happening. That it didn't stop my obsessive crush and maybe nothing will. Fuck.

Sighs kept coming. Probably the coffee. I wasn't used to it. I just kept thinking, I wish he was here. He would be patient with me. Reassure me. Listen to me babble. Laugh at the subtle things I said in good spirits. Tell me I was doing great and hold back his own sighing when I rushed or didn't hold my tips down long enough. It was hard. I wanted to cry. I kept going. Persisting. I couldn't help but allow my thoughts to run wild. I wanted to pretend that I would see him again. That we would be thrown together. I'd get that phone call about an interview. He would just be a good colleague like he always was. I just imagined that it would end differently. That he would want to find out how I would be tipsy. That he would throw me into people like his friends and see how I could be. I surprised him, in my mind, and he played it cool. But I felt what was there. *Sigh* But, it was all just made up. Just another dream. Another story I tell myself so that I don't shrivel up into a prune and die of lack of touch. It's a game. One I play all the time. Whether I want to or not. Somehow, I can't seem to get him out of my head though. It's no use. I try and try and I can't. I keep thinking about that one time he had a hickey and he tried to turn his body away to avoid me looking at it. But, we both know I saw it. He talked about trash or something. There is a lot of waste in our job. Sure. Sure. Yeah, but where the fuck did you get that, dude? Ha! I was actually impressed. It didn't stop me from thinking, what would it be like to be driven wild like that again. I haven't felt that way for a long time. Maybe I've been able to feel something like that, I suppose. But, it's been a long ass time since I was driven wild like that. It was that one guy that lived alone and laughed while talking about "accidentally" pushing his ex-girlfriend into a wall and she got hurt. He had something evil inside him. At first, he was sweet and shy and it drove me wild. A big teddy bear. But, he made me uncomfortable. He had an anger inside him. Brewing. He reached for his belt once and I flinched. I told him that I didn't want to feel that way. He told me he would never. He knew he could and I could feel it. That he wanted to. It was something in him to be powerful. To hold that power over someone like me. It was thrilling when it was sexual, but not when it was angry. But, not him, though. No. He is the personally quiet type. The kind that opens up once every seven years, if you're lucky. But, he knows how to open everyone else up. That's for sure. And I love to fall for that type of man. I'm an idiot for doing so. But, I sure do.

He kept saying he was extroverted, but I didn't see it. He would talk about how he was outside of work. I think he's an INFJ and those fuckers are kind of scary. I love them and fall for them and they can convince the world to set itself on fire. I would do it. I really would for an INFJ. Probably for him, too. I'm just a lil simp for those brown eyes... But, I don't know why I can't get him out of my head. It takes me awhile to get over some people. Eventually, I suppose, I will. I'll just think back on him fondly. Like I said before, maybe he will remember me one day. Most likely not. I'm the scenic background. It's there. I guess. It seems really important if you don't have it, you notice if it's not there, but it really doesn't fucking matter if it's me or some other background. Just throw something back there so it doesn't look awkward. I just wish that he would have just turned me down hard. Solid. Want to get a beer? and then he would say, actually, I'm good. Thanks though. Instead it felt like he said yes but then it never happened, so I dunno. I guess that is a lesson I learned the hard way from a man I thought was very interesting, but he turned out to just be... tall. If someone doesn't say yes, then it's a no. So I asked him out for a drink twice and it never happened. And I kept trying to find reasons to reach out. I let him borrow a book and he said he would mail it back to me. Even asked for my address. HA! I actually thought he might. I wanted to be forward, which isn't my style, because, I just felt like I was probably giving off mixed signals since men get confused by me. If I have a crush on a man, then they will never know unless I start drinking and make a pass. Forgetting that I never let my true feelings out when I'm uncomfortable (and if I have a crush- then I'm very uncomfortable knowing that my insecurities are visible and then I say them out loud like a doofus- it's a whole thing I do). So for once I was trying to evolve and just... be forward about my feelings. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. It wasn't a yes, so it's a no. No matter how awkward and weird I am. I appreciate he gave me the time of day. Even as a friend. Thanks to him for texting me a few times for hours at a time where I got so excited that I got replies that it turned into me sounding like a complete idiot and even if there was a chance (there wasn't) then I probably blew it (there wasn't anything there to blow). *Sigh* But that's the way it goes. I needed to say this to myself. I needed to be real, I need to stop chasing the dream. The one that doesn't do me any good. I guess it just... reminded me of the tall guy. Always keeping me at arms length. Never committing. Then moving the fuck away. Drifting off like I would just be okay with it. Instead of having it rip me apart. But, I guess that's just how I am. I'll fall in love with an idea until it becomes reality. Then I'll wonder why a man never lives up to the dreams I have. I bet he's actually super religious or something. I wouldn't be surprised. I have been really wrong about "nice" men before. 

It's better if I just remind myself it was a no. It's a no. Let him go. So I can move on. Find someone else to crush on. Maybe someone who actually likes me back. Which is just a joke at this point. I don't know what happened to me, but I'm in limbo. I had so much momentum and I was full of potential. Too many asshats tried to talk to me or date me and then I would find someone I liked and turn super cautious... Probably made them feel like I didn't even like them. Or I dunno. Eventually, it just petered out. It's just the way it is right now. I could end this dry spell if I wanted to really end it. But, I just don't want something meaningless. I don't want to give myself away to someone who won't build with it. So I live in a fantasy. An alternate reality where I don't have to feel lonely so I live in a romance novel. I just need to find a new lead man. This dude is long gone. I need to just let him go.