I was in a stride. I was in a new place. It’s funny how that can do wonders for your soul. To just physically go someplace you haven’t been. Around people you don’t know. Forced to ask questions. I missed it, actually. I barely slept. I kept my head down. I did what I needed to do. I did it. Back to back to back. The last run had me feeling off. I wasn’t sure what was happening. Well- I did. I did know. But I can’t be hung up on men with tiny dicks with half assed excuses. So I just closed off. I blasted music in my ear buds. Be a doll, be a babydoll! I mouthed the words. Maybe I was annoying everyone else. Who cares. I was just keeping my head down.
The second run I had to be in a new space. I didn’t know where anything was, but I made it work. At the end, I was just glad to be out. Switching outfits every couple hours- I’m just not into it. Why am I good at it? The one thing I’m good at- I’ll never get to use. Figures. Can’t be mine, can’t be mine, baby, can I be yours? I realized as soon as I changed outfits I had left empty boxes behind. I wanted to get started on the next step. I’d come back for them. He came out and passive-aggressively chucked them into the recycling. I should have said something. I never did. I keep thinking about how I still could. Why am I built like this? I can’t just strike up a conversation. So I gotta focus on that one dumb thing I left behind. Sorry about the boxes. I think you’re really cute. No. I can’t start sentences like that. No, that won’t do. Thank you, you took care of my boxes weeks ago. I’m sure you have forgotten. Thanks anyways. This is the other guy all over again. In the old lab when I would watch him come in and out and I wanted so desperately to think of something. I would smile. But he was so serious all the time. He never paid attention to me. It’s the way it is all the time. I’m just a background painting. Like a hotel print that no one noticed someone painted over. It’s different, but not enough for many people to notice. That one is full. Can you please take it today? That’s all I could come up with. I don’t remember if I ever did talk to him. If I did- I probably sounded like an idiot. Some asshole pointing out the obvious. I’m bad at this. Someone please fucking send help.
I’d like to fuck you and fuck you, I’d like to make a man out of you… I didn’t even care that I messed one up. I’m busy right now. I went from 1 experiment in a month and training runs to 2 running at a time everyday. I like this pace better. It’s better for me. I can’t get distracted by stupid things. Stupid feelings. Stupid men who ask me to have sex with no meaning. To just- “hang out.” I lost my head, underneath your bed, you’re my lady, my acid baby! I am not that person. I’m not who you are looking for. It’ll hurt me. I can’t be that person anymore. I used to do it for curiosity. Or to hope that they would “come around” and I’ve learned my lesson. The hard fucking way. I learned my lesson. I wonder if I’ll ever meet a decent man ever again who is single and interested in me. It seems to not exist. So. I guess when I meet him I won’t even know. I have nothing to go off of. She breaks my brain, to keep me sane.
I feel better about it all somehow. It’s just another game for my mind to play and it doesn’t even matter. I don’t feel like playing today. Engines stop running- but I have no fear! There’s less for you to get to. There’s more raw me at the surface- but I’m not phased by it anymore. So fuck it. Let me listen to music loud. Let me just keep my head down. Be in the work. Enjoying the time I have to do whatever the fuck I want.
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