Fire and Rain *triggers*

I remember the sound of the door sliding open. I recall the smell of the air. It was early fall, nighttime. I had a plan to stay over at my friend's house. She lived close to your best friend's house. It made sense to work it out like that. She locked the door behind me. I can't recall if she came along or not. We weren't friends for long after that either. I knew it was a shitty thing to do to a friend. I just wanted to have an alibi. I didn't know a lot of things I know today about relationships. Using a friend for this reason was not something I immediately saw as a bad thing. I just wanted to see what it was like. To feel that feeling. Take it all the way where it could lead. I wanted to experience it. I felt a dream so vividly years prior and I wanted it to be real. I wanted to know what it would be like. I can remember walking to the next town for snacks. There was a meteor shower that night. I didn't remember which one. I think it was the Leonid showers. It was November. I remembered because you left right after that. You went to Detroit to visit your mom over thanksgiving break and I thought you would call. It was a long week. Wondering where to put all my feelings. We had been talking about it for awhile. It wasn't just out of the blue. It was something I wanted to do and you weren't sure. But, then again, it just felt like what needed to happen. It was the way it would be. I can't say how long we discussed it. I just remember you kept bringing up your grandparent's house and it didn't feel right to do that in any sense of the word. I couldn't get the words out about my past. About how I didn't know what to do with the trauma I had experienced before. That even though you were my first for everything but kiss- you weren't. But, that it was the first time I had made the choice to say that I wanted it from you. The fact that I had a choice, was usually enough. That one particular act was just something I had said I didn't like. Even though it was more complicated than that. I couldn't explain it. And years later, when I finally did explain it. I still don't think it can make sense to some people. The choice was taken from me and there was nothing left to do, but allow it to never come up, if I could help it. But, it does sometimes, even now. And I can enjoy it, but I just don't know if I trust anyone who does it to find a release from the pleasure. It just causes my brain to malfunction and I shut down. I find myself unable to want anything else. I just go about the motions until I can start over and try again another time. The dysfunction of something that should function quite well is becoming an issue. I can't allow myself to do anything about it. I run into men who want something from me and I'm not interested. Those cases I can finally find the release. Knowing that I won't get hurt, it makes it easy for me to let go. But, otherwise, I cease up. I can't allow myself to just have fun. But, that wasn't the case back then. I was curious. I wanted to know more. How to ask for what I knew I wanted. I remember the damp smell of the tent and how hard you tried to hold back, but you couldn't. You said, "Sorry." I thought it was sweet, because it wasn't something you needed to say. I knew it wouldn't be something lasting. That it was just going to be for a few moments. That was it. The sky was raining with meteors. It was a cloudy, foggy night and I don't remember that at all. Because, instead, I was remembering you for the first time.

I remember I came over before you were leaving on a plane. I just wanted to try again. To see if I could find that release. Another practice run. I can't even remember if I did. I just remember you got yelled at for taking too long as we were trying to figure it all out. When you got back, I was mad at you. I had decided through all of my emotions, in the end, I was just mad. I was mad you didn't call. That I knew you loved me, but I had issues with my trust and didn't know where to put that raw emotion. I had decided that you weren't allowed to do the things you loved either, because suddenly I was in charge of that in my mind. Looking back on it, it's just so stupid. All of it. I just had other shit that I wasn't dealing with. I didn't get how to channel those feelings or what even I was feeling. It's easy to judge my reactions now as insane or crazy. I felt crazy at the time. I can't say when or why, but I just became downright obsessive. I had anxiety that I had never realized I even had until then. I was a bubbling brew of disappointment. Nothing was ever as I thought it should be. We got too serious, too quick. I wanted to just be in this thing. This unobtainable thing. This mass of the same person somehow. I don't know. I know that I did have sane moments. That I was a decent person at some point. But, I had lost it all. In the search of where to put my emotions and decided that it was you for all of it, I just lost it all. It made a lot of sense that we didn't last. It was not great to break up and get back together all those times. With other people in between. One day I wanted you. The next I remembered how you had kissed my best friend. It was a whirlwind. All the teenage angst. 

One night, possibly about 15 years ago, I road my bike to the new park that was just being built by my mom's house. I had moved out and then back in. I broke up with the guy I was seeing. I was interested in pursuing a career. Starting over. I just wanted to move forward. I wanted to do better. I felt like I was in a better place. I was for a time, anyway. We got crappy gas station food and ate on the playground at night. I brought up how, when we didn't have a place to go one evening, we ended up in a playground before. That we had a connection to a time when it was still decent to do things like that. When you are a teenager in love and can't find another place to go, you search for places you felt safe as a kid. Ones with a roof. You told me that we should get married if we are single in our thirties. Hm. Ten plus years from now? Sure. Why not? I felt like you were the same. You hadn't really changed. You just always drift around. Wandering. The wanderer. Complaining about phonies. 

I was curious again. I wanted to know what it was like again. To remember you again. I invited you over and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with someone else, but I also didn't want to continue to feel like I did. That I was just in limbo and would be forever. So, I allowed it to be what it was going to be. Things were different. I just let that be what it was. It wasn't different in a bad way. I just didn't remember you being so hairy. Or sweaty. It was a different way our bodies looked, but not really how we moved with each other. How the chemistry seemed to be the same. I felt lighter after it all. But, I don't think we saw each other again for a long time.

I made a decision. I couldn't keep meeting you and craving the passion and the chemistry just to have you leave. You said you wanted to take me for a hike sometime. I think I made a joke. I asked if you wanted dinner before you left and you said no thanks. I said ok. I walked you out. I had the feeling that you wanted more and I didn't. I didn't and I asked you to leave. You just left. As time went on, you kept asking and finally I had to be clear on my intentions. I wanted something real or not at all. I said I didn't want you to contact me unless you wanted to date me. You did anyway. A few times. Here and there. I just dismissed it and let it go. It was clearly just you being you. It doesn't matter if it's been a few days or weeks or months. Years, even. It's just always the same way. You don't want to find out what it would be like for us in the future. It's always a temporary thing for men like you, Holden. 

Perseid meteors are this week. I heard about it on the news. It made me want to drive four hours north and park the car and just lay out by myself. My heart pings knowing I'm alone. That I probably always will be. That I've lost all hope. But, I think about it every once in awhile. What would it be like to see where that goes? I get the answer from you immediately. You would drift away. Come and go as you please. Leave my heart on a platter. Knowing that I will love you when you come back. Despite the fact that I couldn't allow myself to fall in love with you again without knowing that it would be reciprocated. It was a deep bond that was made, even if you didn't mean to. Even if I didn't know that is what we were doing. There is a space for you here. No matter how much time has passed. You said it yourself one night. I think it was when we watched a documentary on psilocybin. You love me and you always will. We have something that just won't ever go away. A chemistry that is vastly rooted. What kind of proposition is it to ask someone to enjoy time with you. To understand that it would be something that we couldn't fall out of, but only in, and suggest that you couldn't be a step father. You don't want the responsibility..? And then to say that there is a time limit on when my heart would be allowed to stay in limbo for you- suggesting that I wouldn't want to move with you, then? Holden. Please understand me. Please.