ADHD

 I'm not here to make anyone feel better. I'm not here to sugar coat anything. To say that things get easier. Not here to say that life is hard sometimes, but it'll turn out okay in the end. If you just believe it or something like that. I'm not here to say that. I'm here to say that there is truly evil people out there. They are everyday, normal people. Or so they seem. They walk amongst us. Befriend us. Earn our trust. In the end, you see who they really are. Trust your gut always. Believe yourself. You know what you feel. You know when it isn't right. You know. Deep down. You know. I'm not talking about the people who annoy you. Or lie to you. Or the people who you grow to really know as "bad" or "toxic" to be around. I know those people. I'm one of those people. Eventually, people just get annoyed by who I am. How I am. I know who I am. I know people like that, too. But, that's not who I mean. They are the people that innocent people, one's who have never known any trauma outside of normal growing up shit, don't understand. Because they didn't have to learn to adapt or respond to truly evil people. They didn't actually know someone like that yet. So they have no basis to understand when their gut tells them something. They don't get it. They would say something like, "But he seemed like such a normal guy... I just don't understand how he could be capable of that. He was so charming and a good friend. A nice guy to be around, you know?" It's him. He's the one you need to watch out for. The guy that no one sees as the bad guy. But there is something a little too perfect about him. 

I don't want to think that everyone is bad. I try to see the good in everyone. I get why it's hard to imagine a "good person" doing bad things. It's hard because I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't do something to harm someone. Not like that. But, when I realize I have gotten myself in situations where a bad person, someone who makes my gut instinct scream get out now, I had a hard time doing it. I overshared personal information. Details I shouldn't. It's why I ended up with a stalker who left roses at my doorstep and my place of work after I said I didn't want to date him. After he said he loved me on the first date. After he talked about his "terrible, stalker, abusive" ex-wife the entire time. Unprompted. After the bartender ran after us in the parking lot and said he just wanted to make sure I was safe. I still didn't know how to get out of the situation. I even gave him another "chance" at a date. I didn't even want to date him. I said as much. But I didn't have a voice then. Now I do. 

So after I met him and thought he was sort of cute. That he was definitely not as thin as his pictures suggested. After I got a weird feeling about one of his pictures. After he was aggressively trying to hang out with me. After he was pressing me to "ask him questions" when he was capable of holding the conversation (or maybe he truly wasn't- that would be the best explanation). I stated my boundaries and I kept my stance. I liked his outfit. I was thinking that I probably wouldn't date him. That I should try to find a way to let him down easy and go home alone. But, after a few beers and some flattery, some jokes, too, I said sure to coming over. I still wasn't even having a terrible time. It was okay. I just kept thinking that, no, I would not go on another date. I walked in the door and he came on to me immediately. I sort of made a joke about it, I think. I guess call it whatever it is about me. But in the end, I had fun. It got to a point though. A point where some of the fantasies, some of the dialogue, was getting more dark. I still didn't quite mind. It was something to explore, and sure, after 3 dark beers, I suppose it wasn't a bad place to try, mentally. But it kept getting darker. Until it was no longer a grey area. It was no longer a fantasy. It was no longer a theatrical performance. It turned into something truly evil. I mouthed, "WHAT THE FUCK?" and tried to think of an out. When someone is inside you and you are kind of drunk, things just move at a weird pace. The processing was off. I didn't know what to do. Panic mode was set. I didn't like that his fantasy had a number for me. And the number kept getting lower. He was down to 14. He said to me, "I'm in my forties and you are 14... and I am raping you... and ooo... you are just going through puberty..." He definitely heard me say, "What the fuck!?" I started just being nice about how I was very much leaving. A condom was laying on my necklace. I forgot my favorite earrings. I staggered back to my car. I dropped him off at his house. He made some genuine comments about seeing me again and kissed me. I just kept up with being civil. The car ride home I was churning. Reeling. My skin was CRAWLING. 

I scrubbed my necklace. My teeth. My face. My hair. My body. I had bruises forming on my arms and hips. I was rubbed raw and shaken. I swallowed back bile. I laid in bed. Wide awake. Staring into the darkness. Nausea washed over me again and again and again. I took ibuprofen to help with the pain in my right shoulder. I'm an adult. But he treated me like I was a child. Like he was raping a child. I didn't know what to do with that information. I still don't. I wasn't okay the next day. I'm still not okay. I can only hope that putting the words down will help ease my mind. I can't even say that it does help. It's just churning it all up into a stew of vomit. 

He messaged me. Asked me to meet him for another beer. 

I let it sit. For a whole day. I didn't know what to say, but I did know what to say. No. No. No. You make me actually sick to my stomach. I am a daughter. I was 14 once. I have a daughter. She will be 14 someday. I cannot imagine my daughter running into the same kind of evil I did. Of someone who sees a child. One going through the awkwardness of puberty. And they are turned on. That they need to say something. Do something. To abuse. To rape. A child. I was that child once. I suppose I still am in some ways. But I'm stronger now. I have a voice. And I can speak up. Maybe I couldn't speak up for myself before. Not even when I was in my early twenties. I had the opportunity. I didn't speak up for myself. I should have. I didn't. I should have. I couldn't though. But, now I CAN. 

And now I will.

Because, truly evil people cannot go about their lives without someone knowing the true evil that lies within. I know. I see it.