High Rise

 Being vulnerable is so hard to do when people are watching. I know that it can be used against me. It is so hard being vulnerable after an abusive relationship. It has taken me years to be able to work through most of it and I still struggle with it. It has made intimacy difficult. It has made relationships hard. Trust feels nearly impossible at times. I want to be open and real and raw- but I have to stop and wonder if I'll be hurt by it. I have to question everything about it. It's frustrating. The only thing I can do is just keep going. Keep being authentic. Real. Raw. Sometimes I get hurt and it's okay. I will never be hurt like that again. I may be reminded of it, but it's never going to be that again. I won't ever let that happen again. 

I took a few weeks off of healing because my last post was really a lot. I had to go through it all and feel it. It took less time to bounce back that I have in the past, which I am thrilled about. I feel really good about being able to get myself back into a healthy place again after feeling upset. It was more of a soft healing. A secure heal. A lot of the raw feelings I had years ago have healed completely and it does still rear its ugly head at times- but I can get through it so much easier now. It's more like being afraid of a shadow. I startle and then I laugh a little because it isn't the same, is it? The fear of the unknown is harder than knowing what it is. The come down from being scared by it is sometimes confusing. What am I even afraid of? But, it doesn't really matter why. It matters how I handle it. 

What's your current relationship to uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, and fear? 

I embrace them with gratitude. I am grateful that I get to be angry, sad, and scared and still walk out of it with my head held high. It might time some time to push through it all, but I do. I used to allow it to debilitate me. Now, I take my time with them, work through it. Let it out in a healthy way. Not taking it out on anyone. Not dumping on anyone. Just allowing it to flow out of me and away in the breeze. 

How do you usually deal with them?

I feel frustrated and I may grunt or grumble and say something like "please give me just a little space, thank you!" or something like that. Sometimes I have too much to process at once and I need a little time. Asking for time and space has given me a new outlook. At the very least, it brings to light the other parts of the puzzle that I can sort through, like other peoples feelings or the situation at hand. 

I feel sad and I recognize it. I voice it. I allow myself to work through why I feel sad. I may need to say it out loud. I may need to write it out. Or talk about it extensively. Or all of it. Or other things. But, I am making a point to work it through. Not shove it down or set it aside. Not to turn it into something else. I need to work it out and let myself be soothed by healthy comforts. (Like petting the cats, snuggling my kiddos, being quiet, resting or taking a nap, etc.)

I get scared and I voice what I am afraid of out loud. I say it to a trusted person. Then I logically work through why I shouldn't be scared. Why I am okay with feeling sad and then letting it go. 

Recall a recent time when you felt resentment. What was it telling you?

OH I HAVE A PERFECT EXAMPLE. I resent myself for ever loving someone not worth it. I resent him for being unworthy of my love. The only thing left to do sometimes is just heal. Step back and let the bridge burn down. Because what is the point in being nice to people who consistently use it against you? I get this feeling like it's calm so I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and when it does I'm angry. I'm annoyed that I am correct. How dare you. How dare you do this to someone. To me. How fucking dare you. Who are you anyways? Everyone always sees you in the end. You think you live in this make believe world where everyone is below you and your "talent" which gives you the excuse to treat everyone like shit. You make people believe that they are less than you. Or at the very least, that they are less than. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS LESS THAN. You are not a whole person. You are broken and ugly. Needy and rude. No one likes you in the end. Once they get to know the real you. You are gross. Full on. TOXIC. You feed off the negative energy like it is the lifeblood of your inner self. You know you are a piece of shit so you chip away at other's self esteem so that you can see yourself in them. You hate that I am a nice person. You hate that I handle your toxicity with grace. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON HOW FUCKING NICE I AM. I hope you GAG on my smiles. Every time I laugh, genuinely guffaw, I hope you have DIARRHEA. The hatred I feel for you is equal to the love I thought I had for you. I honestly thought that you were the one. My soul mate. It turns out, I was traumatized. I didn't know what love was and I thought it was supposed to be that hard. I know better now. I healed that part of myself. The part that was attracted to you in the first place and now I feel sick thinking about how I used to think you were a good person. I used to think you were worth knowing. Worth loving. That's the worst part of it all. That I thought YOU were worth my time. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Can you fucking believe that??? I can't. I honestly cannot. I am an entirely different person. That person wasn't even me. I dunno her. She was sad, traumatized, alone, insecure, needy, scared. She thought that she was being loved. LOL. She was being abused. Not me, though. You don't get to abuse me. No one does. NO ONE. NO. I was weak when you could control me. I'm not weak anymore. I am strong. You don't get the privilege of controlling anything to do with me. All you will do is fuck up your own life. Fuck up your own relationships. I am not a part of that. GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT- I say that with all the sarcastic sincerity I can muster. 

The resentment is the hardest part to get over. But, I will. In time. 

I am allowed to feel this emotion. Nothing is wrong with me for feeling this. I acknowledge my emotions and allow them to move through me. 

😊