I have been away from writing. It's not that I didn't want to, it's that I didn't have the time. I thought about opening up my mind and spilling it all out, but then something would come up and I would suck it all back inside. I have been filled to capacity and now it is impacting my life. Negatively. I need to write and stick to it. I knew the theme of the next chapter and I kept avoiding it. Did you ever start something, like a mental health thing, and then you hit a wall with one of the weeks or chapters, or whatever it is, and realize that you cannot stick it through to the end? I once did a program called "40 Days" (shortened title) through a local yoga studio. I hit a brick wall at some point in the journey. I was all about it until I hit the one part that made me dig into my mind and I guess I wasn't ready to. I did it two more times over the years and I have never finished it to this day. The last time I did it, at least I got really close to the end. I think maybe I did the fruit cleanse and it messed me up and then I didn't try that part again. It's interesting on what can make you pause in your tracks. It's telling, I suppose.
I read a book this week (when am I not reading a book this week) about a group of people who were staying at a resort for a wellness retreat and it was really making me reconsider how I have been treating myself outside the wellness retreats I have done. I like the idea of the time table to follow, eating at the same times everyday, eating a variety of anti-inflammatory foods most of the time, but also some foods that are just good to enjoy. Sometimes, it's good to just have a peanut butter egg. I used to think that it required so much control to "be good" but I think it is easy now. I am not sure what has changed exactly but, I think that my last trip (to South India) really awakened so many different pathways for myself. It expanded my mind in a way I wasn't expecting. I am able to see clearly things I couldn't before. It is mostly a milestone maturity-wise, but also just emotionally, I am so much easier on myself. I make new habits because I want to and I don't need to get sugary things after every single meal I eat. I do eat fruit at the end of my meals, but that's not the same as an insatiable craving for junky chocolate. Maybe the gourmet chocolate that I get in a subscription box every month has helped with that as well. I indulge in a really great chocolate that is not bad for me and I got used to that over crap. I did, temporarily, forget that since my kids got so much Halloween candy I think we could last until next Halloween.
After my last trip to India, I got fortune after fortune that my life was about to change. That I was going to get a job in another country. That I was going to travel and move to another country. It was strange, at the time, but my life keeps nudging me in other ways to move out of here and that I need a big change. Work got really tough. The "co-parenting" situation got extremely difficult. Money got so tight I could scream. I don't think I could move from where I am, even if I was forced to. I would face legal issues. Debts. I would be isolated. It just feels like it's not right given the logic of my life. I am also being pushed to see how wonderful where I live is- this little city is beautiful. I get access to historic landmarks (but not too historic, at least buildings are pretty straight here), fresh produce from farms, farmer's markets, CSAs, walking distance to culture, good restaurants. I don't know if a European city can give me more than that. Maybe it could show me a culture of snooty people I cannot understand and breathtaking ocean views, but I can see that here, too, without too much of a drive.
All I can do is just keep working towards the future I want to see for myself and my children by taking baby steps, making them habits, and then pushing us all forward into a better life, one day at a time. I have to have faith that the universe will adjust and help us along the way, in all the ways we really need it.
This is actually laughable. I am writing everything I can to avoid the thing I came to write about. I guess maybe I have had more than one thought running through my head this month and that is one of them. The "elephant" in the room is me. I have been actively trying to eat well and exercise (had to temporarily stop doing yoga to recoup from a cold that is lingering) and it has not had any impact on my weight. I am frustrated. My body and I have a love/hate relationship. I try really hard to love it and treat it right and then it says fuck you like a sulky teenager and slams the door in my fat face. I have always struggled with self-regulating myself when it comes to food. As a kid, I was like my children. I would eat, sure. But it was last on the list of my priorities for the day. Food would be in front of me and I didn't want to eat it unless I wanted to eat it. I was a picky eater because I wanted it to taste good and it didn't. As an adult, I retried some of the foods I hated as a kid and I'm like, Well why wasn't it seasoned like this!? This is what it's supposed to taste like? I think I could eat this more! Having a CSA really helped with that. I got into cooking obscure vegetables (and fruits). I got to be creative and indulgent. It was all veggies. Cannot go wrong, really. I tried some recipes that were mid or terrible, even. Eventually, I found a way to cook a vegetable I previously I didn't like and then I kept replaying that recipe or ones like it until I could say, You know what, I do actually like cabbage. It's really good! For years, I over ate. I would fill my plate with carbs and sometimes take another plate just to enjoy the flavor of the food for longer. I was never happy with stopping. Now, I sometimes have one day out of the month, hormonally, where I feel insatiable, but it's not typical. I still eat relatively healthy un-healthy snacks. Maybe I am going for a bag of cheese dust covered mini rice cakes instead of potato chips or Doritos. I am eating a couple fun sized Halloween candies, but then I am not as hungry later and eat less at the next meal. My body has adjusted to eating habits that are of a normal person, so I have been maintaining my weight, or maybe I am losing a pound or two and not realizing that it is so because I am normalizing it? I think I did weight ten more pounds last year, but I don't know. I am paying attention, but not that much.
I have had a similar revelation to exercise as I have had with food. I discovered that I really love walking and yoga. Those two things are what makes me happy. So if I am unable to figure out a way to get my brain to do yoga, then I can still walk. It doesn't take that much effort and it feels good to just move my body. I can listen to music or an audiobook. Or talk to a buddy. I enjoy doing it. Most exercises are dogshit to me. Running? *BARF* weight lifting? Fuck no! But, yoga? Mmmm, yes! I tried to do yoga or walk 3 times a week and it was honestly making me feel so good about my body, again. I still didn't really see that reflected when I looked in the mirror, but I felt good about myself. Then I look at the scale and see nothing happening and it is disheartening.
I take a health screening every year and have had one the last six years. Last year and this year I had two in one year. The last two health screenings were strange. I have since realized that the previous screening was set to "man" instead of "woman" so that explained how I had one of my levels raise and it was now green when previously in the yellow range. My good cholesterol is so good that it lowered my bad cholesterol and my overall cholesterol to out of range or by some standards to be "low." But is that really a bad thing to have a healthy bloodstream? Not sure what that means for the future, but I can say that I am certain that if I didn't have a vegetarian lifestyle, I would not be in the same health situation I am in now.
In other words, according to my doctor, nutritionist, anyone who sees me eat 75% vegetables and fruit all day: I am fucking healthy.
So why does the scale read: +40lbs?????
I have been told that I look fine. I agree, I do not look obese. But I look down and I see what I see and according to any BMI I am obese (sure, roll your eyes and say BMI is bullshit, but I have always been in the healthy range generally). I look in the mirror and I am sad. My interpretation of my body or what I think I'll look like in an outfit is so much different when I look in the mirror now. I don't really understand the disconnect, except that I think it just means that I value myself a lot more when I am not reminded that I have 40lbs of extra weight via the mirror or my reflection. I miss putting on clothes and liking what I saw. I just see where I should be thinner, now. I don't hate myself. I don't hate my body. I just wish I could drop that 40lbs and enjoy the last slivers of my youth while it is still here. Maybe I am just feeling extra about it because it is the last few months of my thirties. I am, by all societal definitions, old.
I feel like I'm really about to turn thirty as far as my outlook on life and how I think I have progressed with myself over the last 39 years. I have stayed "young at heart" both mentally and physically.
Chapter 6:
What's your relationship to your body?
Love/hate. I wish it was lighter. About 40lbs lighter. But otherwise, it's pretty good. I am healthy. I have nice skin. I like my face. I like my body shape (generally, not necessarily the EXACT girth it is right now though). I just wish my clothes felt better and I had more energy. I wonder if I have POTS.
Has it felt like a safe place to exist?
NOT ALWAYS. I have been so insecure for more than half my life. Maybe three quarters of my life. Which sucks. Feels like a waste of a good body. A lot of that unsafeness wasn't my fault though. It became my fault as I got older and was trying to unlearn things that I had been told about myself and my body. I definitely have learned that it wasn't my fault that I was made this way or grew up this way, but I am in control of how to move forward. I can't just pretend that this is okay with me and that it will just "magically" get better. Or could it?
Close your eyes and see if you can notice just one or two sensations in your body. Describe them:
Well. I am ignoring the fact that it is lunchtime. Past lunchtime. I had a delicious mocha and glazed cruller for breakfast from market- which I do not fell bad indulging in since I usually have coffee, earl grey tea, or herbal tea for breakfast at home with something healthy. Or more healthy than a donut. I usually have fruit/berries, maybe a bagel if I am feeling extra hungry. I like to have toast with an egg most of the week. Sometimes just plain greek yogurt and honey. Toast or biscuits if I'm less hungry. I am a breakfast person, that is for sure. I like eating a lot. I think this week, food just doesn't sound good. Or it does, but I don't want to eat it. I have been taking some bites and then finding myself eating for the sake of knowing I need the calories to continue. Except, there are some foods that sound great and I have been able to enjoy. Ramen has been at the front of the line for me. Wait- what was the question? Oh. I am hungry. And my head hurts a little. I've been under a lot of stress. I had a court hearing yesterday. Yup. I got sued for child support. By the guy who has a balance for not paying the child support. Maybe the two sensations are just the same thing. STRESS responses. I am in trauma response mode 24/7 apparently. Ugh.
I breathe deeply and fully. When my mind is traveling to the past or the future my breath is the anchor that returns me to the present.
This wasn't that hard to write, after all. I wonder why I was so scared to write it out. I actually don't hate myself as much as I previously thought. I actually like myself. My body gives me lots of things including great orgasms. What do I have to complain about with it? It just has some extra l bs? Okay. Fine. Most people who have suffered extreme traumatic stress do as well. And most women around my age as well. I can't fault myself for the inevitable. I just need to keep trying. Or get those GLP-1 drugs we test constantly at work. Maybe that would help. Or maybe I would end up with lots of hanging skin that would turn off men. And me. I am here too, trying to enjoy myself and my free time. I dunno. I have no real answers. I should eat something.
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