RVW

 There’s always times, in hindsight, that you realize, it was the sign but not necessarily the sign to you in the moment. I worked on a lot of things from this relationship. I learned to stop needing to feel an immediate connection. I can be okay to enjoy the in-between. That was something that I desperately did not understand when I got a divorce. What do you mean, “enjoy the moment?” What do you mean, “enjoy the process?” What do you mean, “enjoy the in-between?” I learned to stop needing an immediate response. I was always checking my phone immediately after I sent a message. I was always forgetting I had a life outside of “the response.” I didn’t understand what it meant to just continue living my life. I had some practice from some dear friends that I have learned to love, despite their untimely answers to my texts already, but I learned to not get upset over the non-response. Or the late response. The responses that come the next day, because it will come when it is time to come. I have anxiety and not everyone experiences the need to respond like I do. I also learned to stop needing a label to feel safe in a relationship. I can have trust with the right people to know that it is okay to not rush into a label. We can just enjoy getting to know one another before we decide we have to make a commitment. I learned that I can feel safe enough to get past some of the traumas I have endured. Ones that were so imbedded in my relationships, that I didn’t think it needed healing anymore. But, I did. I was able to find a safety I didn’t think existed previously and get over that limitation to “get to that goal” in a certain way, previously, I would have given up long before they did, but this time I didn’t, and he didn’t. And, I got there, too. I learned a lot of things that I wasn’t able to before, because I did feel safe. I did feel that it was a healthy and slow moving relationship that I could take my time in learning. I felt like it was worth taking the time to learn and grow in it. Luckily, I don’t feel any attachments to learning and growing in the relationship, which sometimes happens. It can often happen in really toxic relationships. The learning and growing gets lost in the trauma. It is hard to separate what I’ve learned and what I should have learned and what I am left with in the end is a jumbled mess of trauma that didn’t really teach ME anything to work on except to make better choices in whom I choose to have relationships with. What I mean is, the learning has been sort of subtle for the last few years because there hasn’t been as many opportunities for a healthy relationship to show me where I can learn and grow. At least, until this past year. 

The first sort of sign that it was inevitably not going to ever work out is that he got a little angry at me because he couldn’t perform. It was blamed on me for a few minutes before it was taken back and then it was let go. I felt like that was a strange way to deal with it. I tried being mature to let the offense go. It made me feel awkward after that. After weeks of this, it was not my problem, so I was able to get over it and just focus on the “dealing with it” of it all. We found a rhythm and it wasn’t an issue anymore. Until it was… For me, I was having some of the best “Os” of my life, if it took a little longer, or there was a little frustration to get there, then, okay. I was reaping the rewards of the hard work. I generally and genuinely wasn’t complaining, but I was getting a little push back from “taking too long” or not being more forth coming in what I wanted or needed. That. More of that. Keep doing that. Stay there doing that for longer. I believe there was some unnecessary pressure being built up that I was neither putting on him nor was I expecting anything beyond what I was getting. The fact that he kept trying and wanted to try, was enough for me to get what I needed. (Of course, perhaps it should be mentioned, at the very least, I reciprocate ten fold. I enjoy showing how good of a time I’ve had in return.)

I should have brought it up, but I am a scaredy cat. I felt like this was the first real man that had stumbled into me in so many years, I cannot even tell if I ever dated a nice man, and even now, have I? I put it into words, as I only know how, but it was aparenlty a “face to face” conversation so nothing would get “misconstrued.” If it’s not a yes, it’s a no. But, after 3-4 months, it was a little too early to say it was a no, so I just let it go. I just… got okay with not having the label. I felt secure enough in myself to not let that bother me. But after about 6 months, I asked again, and was met with the same response. Talk in person. Don’t want to be misconstrued. Don’t want to start something before the other thing finishes. I had to pretend it didn’t cut a bit for it to not be immediate. I had to pretend I wasn’t hoping that he would get some finalizing news that would push him to do a sort of “grand” gesture. Even just the words, “do you want to be my girlfriend?” would have sufficed. I suppose I am just a romantic and I read too many novels to pretend I didn’t want flowers or a weekend away or something. Even a hint that he wanted more would have been nice. He did show up with random gifts a few times, but not on the specific holiday things where I had hoped we would get gifts for each other. Due to illness, I spent my second favorite holiday with my kids instead of with him, as I had originally planned, and that was okay, too, right? I wanted flowers and chocolates and a nice dinner out, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. I did learn to just… be okay with not having a word for it. It wasn’t a “situationship” because he did at least say he wasn’t seeing anyone else or trying to- but I didn’t think that needed to be said more than once in the relationship. Hopefully, that wasn’t a naive mistake. After 8-10 months, I just started referring to him as my boyfriend with people I don’t know as well. It was easier to say than, the man I’ve been seeing. My friends knew that this was more than a situationship, more than a friendship, not quite an official relationship due to the impending ending of his previous one (or other reasons he had in his head and not disclosed to me, just me waiting for him to figure it out, honestly). But still. What was it then? After almost a year, it is a relationship. Whether he wanted it to be or not. 

Sometime in the winter, he stopped responding for an entire weekend. I felt like, did something happen? Did I do something wrong? He is just like that, sometimes not responding right away. I felt like, should I be bothered about this? He said he was just sad. Okay, well I get that, genuinely. Tables turned, if I were busy, I would still respond at some point in the day, not days later. I’d say, “I’m busy, talk soon” or “I am sad.” I guess my sadness hasn’t been that bad in many years, but I do understand it, if that was what it was, then, okay. Unless something was wrong, and even then, I hate having the anxiety of a looming issue over my head, but I would still work out my feelings and present them sooner than that. He finally responded, asked to hang out, and then while hanging out, he casually says he was messaging a young woman all weekend about meeting up for music. Well. Ouch. I chose to take that at baseline and play stupid, hoping I was not correct in that he was pursuing someone else and it didn’t work out or she proved to be more work than I was, so he inevitably came back to me. Or she rejected him and he came back, either way. He was back to paying attention to me, so I had to let it go. I chose to assume he wasn’t lying. I still don’t know, but I don’t turn my phone over when I am hanging out with a potential partner on dates, because I have no reason to hide messages. He did it periodically. Purposefully. If it wasn’t on purpose, it really looked like he was trying to hide his phone face. I am not giving or receiving any messages that can be misconstrued. Even if I were to get an untimely message from an ex or rando, it would be a surprise, which would be clear to my partner. I would be kind and dismiss the rando immediately, or ignore them, depending on who it was and what was said. Because, maybe the open ended “let me know if you want to hang out sometime” ex message is best left with no response, as I do not want to hang out with them, for example, and it wouldn’t be threatening to receive, since I don’t give a shit and wouldn’t be flipping my phone over “just in case” I were to get one of those messages. It was something else not worth bringing up, because I wasn’t trying to start a fight with someone who didn’t need a fight started with them, and if he was being honest, and I chose to believe he was being honest, then it wouldn’t be worth mentioning. I had always thought it was weird that as a newlywed, he would spend more time with a woman who had a boyfriend, than his wife. I always thought, I would never, because my husband was my best friend and I don’t want a partner that isn’t my best friend. So, I cannot understand a relationship that doesn't work that way. I took a “to each his own” sort of look at it, but if I am laying out all my grievances, I might as well mention that I thought this whole thing was sort of weird and did leave me feeling like it was not okay from my perspective. Did it impact how I acted in the relationship? Not really. It gave me a stabbing feeling in my heart thinking about if he was hanging out with another woman instead of me, but I didn’t hold it against him for talking to someone else about music. I just hoped that it wasn’t a lie and that he wasn’t choosing to lie by omission. Jealousy is always something I can work on and do better with, especially when I didn’t otherwise have a reason to think it wasn’t true. But, still. It did hurt he chose a stranger to talk to instead of me about his sadness. He didn’t even tell me that he was sad, but working on it. Just no response to my nice, encouraging messages, checking in on him.  

He kept talking about moving, but there was never a conversation about moving together, or seeing if the relationship would continue, or wait- are we in a relationship? So it started to feel a bit weird. I tried to bring it up and again I was met with, we should talk in person instead. But, it was never talked about in person. I was getting maybe one to two days a week with him, I didn’t want to fight or break up because if I found out that I’m actually not in a relationship with him and he’s been seeing other people or he doesn’t want to keep seeing me or that he doesn’t want me to move with him, too, that would hurt too much. I was a little scaredy-cat. I didn’t want to bring it up and have it impact things negatively. The whole thing was always up in the air and I didn’t try to do anything else to stop it. I just looked at it all floating around in nothingness, in nowhereland, wishing I was just a little stronger. But, I was learning things. I was growing. I was getting better at understanding my wants and needs. Just maybe, still too quiet for them to be heard or understood. I kept choosing to believe he just wanted me to be a mind reader and assume that we are on the same page with it all. We will just keep going until there’s a reason to stop, and if it is meant to work out, it will. I think that may have been the only time we did talk about it. I sort of just interrupted him to say, “If it’s meant to work out, it will.” He agreed and I suppose that was that. The unspoken things from me were, “I hope it does, but it will require work that I’m doubtful you want to put in. I am willing to put in the work to figure it out, though."

There was a moment when the previous issues with performance came up and it became something. I don’t know how this became something, as I was not in his head, but from my perspective, there wasn’t anything wrong. We were naked. In it. Ready to move forward. I was moving towards him and he sort of brushed/pushed my hand away and I backed off immediately. I am not going to force anything on him and I was being respectful of his space. He picked a fight with me saying I didn’t seem “into it.” This made me very confused, as I was about to perform acts on him that can only be done at that very angle if I was “into it.” It seemed a bit strange and he was bringing up things like, “I don’t know what I am allowed or not allowed to do” due to my own past traumas. I already told him the specific thing that I didn’t want him to push me for because I was never able to get through/over that trauma. But, at this point, I had already allowed him to come into my comfort zone and push past my walls, and he had already sucessfully helped me achieve something I had previously never been able to achieve. So, now I really didn’t have anything specific that I felt uncomfortable with him trying to do. It sort of turned the relationship sour, a bit, for me, because I felt like he made a few comments about my body that made me a bit self-conscious, but it was hard to say if I was just feeling insecure or if he was trying to make me insecure. I chose to believe he wasn’t trying to make me insecure, I was just being insecure, and my reaction was based on that. I had said that I was more “wild” in my youth with doing random acts in bed that were more daring and I had less inhibitions on getting what I wanted, whether I said it out loud or not, is besides the point. I feel like my mind is finally in a place to ask for what I desire and I felt comfortable enough to ask for anything that was outside of what he was already doing, but honestly, I was satisfied, beyond satisfied, so what was the actual problem right now he was picking up on? I said that maybe he was just picking up on my own insecurities of my body. I’m not exactly in shape or the size I want to be, or that I am in my head, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying myself. Just maybe he was picking up on that? He said he was pretty sure we were picking up on each other trying to be respectful of each other and it was just us bouncing off each other which was making a problem out of nothing. I shed a few tears because, if that was all it was, why did I now feel insecure about getting my wants, needs, and desires met when he suddenly was taking that kind of intimacy off the table for no reason. It was strange. I felt uneasy about it. He said he didn’t want to do anything else and asked if we could just go to bed. “Sure. Of course.” Why wouldn’t I just allow him to stop? There’s no reason other than my ego being hurt, so I let it go. It felt like maybe it was one of those moments. The sign that there would be more fights that would leave me confused. It was reminiscent of fights with my ex. There was no beginning, middle, or end. Just a feeling of discomfort that would never go away and it was never going to be resolved, because there wasn’t anything to resolve within the relationship. It was just him, being unresolved, allowing it to seep into the relationship, with the blame on me for it being there in the first place. I recognize when someone is causing a fight because they fail to see what they need to work on. I did it when I was a young woman. I did it for years and years. 

He started doing this uncomfortable seeping more and more. He didn’t want to bother being intimate at night, maybe in the morning? Then in the morning, there was no time. I would wake up at 6am so I could use the bathroom, brush my teeth, pack my lunch sometimes, and then slip back in bed so we still had time before we had to leave. He stopped wanting to get out of bed until five minutes before he should be leaving. Then acting like I was taking too long to get ready to leave with him at the same time. It felt a bit weaponized, but so subtle, it was hard to tell if it was there at all. So, I respectfully, allowed him to not want to do things in the morning either. Then, it became routine that we weren’t going to do anything in the morning. I would say, “I don’t think that we will have time” when he said to do it in the morning instead, because, he wasn’t allowing us to have any time in the morning. Then it was, “You said there wasn’t time in the morning. I was the one who suggested it.” Okay. What the actual fuck? But, ya know what. Okay. It is fine. We were still having great amazing achievements, why does it matter to cut that down to just once when we hang out instead of the possibility for more times? I guess, it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t see it was worth pushing about. I just noticed it. It was more the confusion around it. What exactly goes through his head that he feels like those words were what we needed to be stuck on? There were so many other things to worry about.

It’s just my disappointment, no big deal.

Then it started becoming more strange resentments. For about 8-10 months, I would tell him when I was free and he would show up 2-3 hours later. He would say, “I’ll start getting ready and let you know when I leave.” But, then, 2 hours later he still wouldn’t be on his way. I got used to his laissez faire attitude about my time and let it become my attitude about it as well. I remember when I had to go from school to work to home to kids to a man’s house and I felt like I had NO TIME for me. I understand the need for soft transitions. For decompressing. But, at this point, he has no school. No kids. Much less bills to worry about than an entire hosuehold. He was off work for a whole month, too. I am not saying he didn’t have things to worry about, but he has a lot less things than I juggle. I would have appreciated it if he was more gentle with the time I had and communicate that he needs some decompress time. He would show up at 7-8pm on an evening he could have come at 3-5pm and expected me to come up with the plan. He sort of alluded that I wasn’t ready until late in the day, when I was ready. He knows what time I drop my kids off and when I get out of work, but it was kind of always a big surprise when I told him the time. It’s not a rotating shift of time, it’s easy to plan around it. It’s the same every week… He wanted me to pick something that was open and not closing soon on a typical day everything in this city shuts down on. It was a bit alarming to have him have the attitude with ME like it was my fault. What? Um, buddy, maybe show up a few hours earlier so we had time to figure it out. Or, here’s a thought, plan a date, dude. Make the plans and say, “we are going here at this time and then we can do this and or this” okay. Great. Or, no, that doesn’t work for these reasons, here’s an alternative.” For awhile, he was able to do this, but then after months of it, he suddenly didn’t have the capcity, but didn’t tell me that he didn’t. He dropped the ball then got mad at me for not knowing I was supposed to plan it. There was a weird thing hanging in the air where he was not being clear and mad at me for it not being clear. So… make it clear? This whole time, I have been very chill. I will pick something, if I have to. I will give some options. I will pick from options. I can be the decision maker. I generally said I didn’t care, because I didn’t. I was happy with whatever. There were times when I said, “I really want to go here” and he would say no. We would go somewhere else. I felt like I couldn’t win with anything I said or did. I also did not give a shit 99% of the time, so it really didn’t matter, until it did. So, I just let myself be agreeable, because I didn’t care to not be. 

My work schedule changed a few months into this relationship and I was embracing the change. It would mean that I had to stay an extra hour on one of the evenings I didn’t have the kids, but didn’t change on the other two nights I don’t have the kids. As a result, I get a whole day off. Worth it to get out 1 hour later. We only saw each other 1-2 days of the 3 days total I could make plans with him. It wasn’t because I asked for it. He just only wanted to hang out 1-2 days a week. It was the same two days as well. So, if we couldn’t hang out for one of them, then we just wouldn’t see each other for a week. I wasn’t exactly okay with this, but I can’t make someone else want to see me more. He did or he didn’t. That was that. For the relationship, if getting out of work at 7pm is an issue, we could have met at the restaurant. I suggested it a few times, but he said no. Then, he got mad when we didn’t get to a place until 5 min before the kitchen closed. Okay. Well. I get out at 7. Not 7:30. Not 7:45. Not 8:30. Not 9pm. But, here we are, at a restuarant at 8:30pm, acting like it is so late. Again, I cannot win, so I just let it go. What else can you do when you are dealing with a finicky and prickly person, except keep being yourself. I used to get angry hungry, but I grew up. I started planning for my inevitable ADHD forgetfulness and accidental hyper-focus that would render me incapacitated by hunger and thirst, so I started carrying a water bottle with me everywhere and stash snacks in my purse. I meal plan and eat around the same times everyday so that I am always fine. I don’t get angry hungry, because I have eaten today. I already had two full meals. And a handful of nuts. I can wait. But, I cannot help someone else who hasn’t planned ahead and now expects me to figure it out when they haven’t eaten all day. If this was his first meal of the day, he can pick it. I am unable to accomodate for his shortcomings. It is not my problem. I can have sympathy for the fact he is hungry. I can empathize (see above) with the agitated feelings, but it is not my problem. I am not the cause. I am not the problem. I am sometimes the solution, but not at the expense of my feelings because he is grumpy and rude and or holding onto resentment for months that he never mentions due to his poor planning and lack of direct communication. I am not his mother. 

The moving thing started to become an issue. A looming inevitable relationship ruiner. He still didn’t ask me to make any commitments to him. Didn’t ask me to move. Didn’t ask me to wait. Didn’t ask me if I wanted to try long distance. It was just, he applied places and he now has an interview and it’s happening. What else could I do but be supportive of his goals and his wants and needs? It was hurting me, my heart was breaking, but it’s okay, because I wouldn’t want anyone to make me feel like they had to hold back on their life for my discomfort. I support dreams. I was open to talking about what we wanted to do as two people in a relationship. I was open to seeing if we could make it work for awhile, and/or work towards moving closer to each other, when/if it was right for us both. But, there was no talk. No communication. He was just going to do this thing. Period. He made it seem like he was never coming back when talking about an argument he was having with his mom. Oh. Ouch. Well, I guess it’s good to know, even if he didn’t say it in a kind or tactful way. There was no discussion. It was, “I am doing this.” Oh. Okay. Go do that, then. Fuck me, I guess, right? Who cares about what I want from this relationship. You have your own life figured out and I am not in it. Okay. So, what? We are still hanging out now like normal? I tried to get him to talk about it on the phone and he was being weird about it. I had to pull it out of him to say, “I’ll miss you.” Okay. Well, that seems very genuine. It took everything in me not to cry on the phone. I went silent. I was interrupted by my son coming home and I had to go, which was great timing considering that converstaion was never going to go much further. But, it still hurt. I took it. I took the pain. The knowing that it was going to end. I took time to figure out what I wanted. I don’t think he even noticed. Because, this is about how long he normally takes to respond to me. So, it was just a regular day for him. For me, I was in agony. I played with the scenarios in my head. What if he wanted me to move, right now? Would I? I don’t know. I would have to sell my house, take my kids, deal with their father, find a new job, do I want to leave my job? Do I want to sell my house? Do I want to leave all my friends by the fall? No, actually. I really don’t want any of that. I could see myself moving somewhere when my kids are older. Maybe keep my house, but temporarily move somewhere else. I would always need this city to be my landing point. I love it here. It turns out, I have built a really great life for myself after trauma healing and divorce. I love my home, my carreer, my friends, my family, I don’t want to leave it all behind and not have any of that support. The time to move was years ago, when the kids were still young. When things were cheaper. When I was still figuring out myself and what I wanted out of friendships and who I was in relationships, and generally, feeling alone and secluded. When I had nowhere to go and no one to go to- that was an ideal time for me to move. Not now. But, maybe in a few years. Maybe when he would graduate. Maybe when my kids are old enough to make big decisions on their own or be excited to make them. Maybe when I am sick of my job and feeling stagnant. Not now, this is sort of peak life for me and I just want to enjoy it for awhile. I chose to be single for years to work on myself and loving my own life, so for me to move it aside for someone who is wishy washy and can’t call me his girlfriend? Um, no. I’m good.

And the other side of it? Did I want to end it? Not really, but wouldn’t it be easier now? Before we say were are officially dating, even though we are dating, but before we fall in love? Do I love him? I guess, I do. It’s more like I love my friends, I care about him and I want to keep seeing him, and enjoying his company, but not that I am in love and feeling the butterflies and that I want to spend all my time with him all the time. Not like he is my best friend but that we are pretty good friends, in all sense of the words. He’s not my best friend that I want to start sharing every aspect of my life with him, but I also still move my schedule around and my life around to accomodate him. I think I bought 3 pillows before he was satisfied to sleep over. If that’s not some kind of love, I don’t know what love is at all. But, I’m not, I wasn’t, feeling compelled to say “I love you” either. I think that part of it is because, I am in limbo while he figures out whether he even wants to say he’s my boyfriend. We sort of plateaued in our relationship. Every time I think that we are being so cute with each other and getting along so nicely- thinking when he leaves, “maybe I am falling in love with him” he sort of backs off for a few days and then pops back into my life like he didn’t just pull away when the feelings got deeper. I saw it. I felt it. I recognized it. I let it go. It all is, what it is. But, do I want to keep trying to be with someone like this? Do I want to be someone’s push and pull situationship? No, no I do not. But, do I want to end it and just be friends? No, no I do not. I had to really deep dive these feelings. In the end, I decided, I do care about him. I do want to continue seeing him in the capacity I see him. I may be a fool for it. I may get my heart broken. But, he probably won’t hurt it more than it already is right now thinking about ending it, right? I felt what it would feel like to break things off and I decided, I didn’t want to break up. I even went so far as to allow myself to start to heal from that feeling of wanting to break things off and see how deep it would feel. What if I just fantasized about us breaking up and how it would feel? How devistating would it be? It wasn’t that bad, actually. It hurt. It wasn’t pleasant. But, I have been hurt far worse over worse things than someone pursuing their dreams. I could be okay with it. I could be okay with being alone and being in touch. Seeing what the universe has in store for me in the future. Maybe him. Maybe not. But, I could be okay. Then, I thought about staying in it. Can I forgive this? Can I be okay to continue to see someone who doesn’t want a future with me? Can I just enjoy the time I have with him for this summer and help him move. Listen to him talk about all the new adventures he will take. Plan a trip to see him in the spring of next year. See what happens while I am there. The fantasy of all that, was that what I wanted more? I sort of did like that idea. It felt okay. It felt doable. Reasonable. Not bad. I wouldn’t feel like I was giving up or hurting myself. I could be okay with that life. So I finally replied, “yeah, I want to hang out later. I’ll be home around 7:15.” 

I noticed that we were being even more cutesy with each other. Making plans for the next few weeks/months. We were not going backwards, it seemed. I also noticed that he was getting more agitated before dinner. I assumed, he was just angry hungry. I just let it go until he would eat. Things seemed to go back to normal, once he was fed, so problem solved, I guess? I was quick to make decisions and be ready when he was cranky. I let it all go. I guess he wasn’t letting anything go. He seemed like he was snowballing. I didn’t even understand what he was snowballing about. I told him that I had a whole weekend coming up. I knew I was getting my tax return soon. I suggested we take a weekend trip or he could come over and “play house.” Meaning, pack a weekend bag. Spend the whole "after work Fri through into work on Mon" with me. At my house or somewhere else. We could plan something fun! He had talked about wanting to go to the South. I have never been there, to where he wanted to go. It sounded like a fun adventure! Maybe we don’t have to go that far, but maybe a shorter trip to Baltimore or Philly or NYC, I had some ideas. We could just save our time and money and do a day trip on Sat or Sun. We have the whole weekend, we can do anything! A week before, I brought it up again. In person. Via text. I had mentioned it now 2-3 times. He brushed it off. He gave a non-answer. I didn’t see him for a week, because of me having my kids. We saw each other 2 days before this kid-free weekend. I brought it up again. At this point, planning a weekend away is less accessible, but not imposible. Sometimes I plan trips away with the kids the night before I leave. I can plan very well at the last minute, if I have the answers to my very specific questions. I had zero answers, so I was thinking, okay. Just come over for the weekend, then. Still non-answers. I was beginning to feel like I was not being taken seriously. That I wasn’t being heard. That I was just an afterthought. He often will “see how things go” but what does that mean? I take fifteenth priority over your friends and their plans? What excactly did he need to factor in here? He didn’t want to hang out with me, or he would have made the plans right then. But, I still held out hope, because I am pathetic. I am a simp for the morsels of love and attention and affection I am given and still I am made to feel like I am not allowed to even ask for it. (OMFG where is this type of man for me? I cannot be the only person in this entire world around my age, generally atractive, with a job, bills, emotional maturity, works on themselves, and wanting love/a serious relationship/marriage. Can I!? Am I alone here? Apparently, I am.)

So I send another reminder that Fri morning of this kid-free weekend. The one that I am still sort of waiting for him to get back to me so I can plan my weekend. *Internal screaming* I reached out to a few friends to make plans at this point, because I cannot wait any longer. I had some loose plans with two friends who were flexible on the who/what/when/where. They were being cool about the fact that we could do something and would not know when I heard back from him. Finally, 2.5 hours before I am starting my weekend, I hear back that he is meeting up with some people and he asked if I wanted to get dinner. He didn’t say when and where he was going to meet up so, when is he thinking? He made it clear he didn’t bring anything to stay overnight. Okay, this is some details, but not all. I get that he doesn’t want to stay the weekend now, but can I have some information? I get it, but say that you don’t know yet, so I know. I could have made plans Fri night instead. I was planning on cleaning and doing my dishes, etc, but okay, I’ll do dinner because I am doubtful I will see him the rest of the weekend and I’ll have plenty of time on my hands to try not to think about how hurt I am by it. I agree to dinner. I say I am getting out of work at 6:15 and ask when he is thinking for dinner. He says he is meeting them at 5:45. Nothing else. I get out of work. Go home. Decide to take a bath. I am in the bath for almost an hour before he says he is on his way to me. I ask, “from where?” but I get out of the tub and get ready within 15 min either way. He shows up the moment I am ready. “I am here” he sends me. Good thing I was ready to go- but was there going to be any apology or communication at all about how I am just at his beck and call all the time????

I think that I need to pause myself here, to just let all that breathe. It is a lot. It is frustrating. I cannot understand what I am doing wrong here at this point. I am doing my best, right? Okay? I am just a woman. A mother. A scientist. A reader. A writer. I am just simply me. Waiting for a man. To. Figure. Out. What. He. Wants. For almost a year. *Internal screaming*

I invite him to shower and get ready. He is hesitate and being weird, but I say it is fine. I can wait. I don’t mind. My daughter is upset with me and I am texting her. He tells me he got in a car accident. He was a little stunned. I wanted to know why he didn’t tell me. He said because he was going to see me a few hours later anyways. Okay, but still. That is a lot to hold in. He could have called me. We go out to eat. I am tired, but having fun. I order a marg and immediately regret how hungry I am and how hard it is hitting me. I am having a good time. We are talking about plans for Sat. He does want to hang out! But, just for Sat. He will leave early Sun. Okay, well, my expectations and bar was lowered so far down that him wanting to show me any attention at all is enough, okay? Maybe, I should explore that later. Maybe it doesn’t matter? I don’t know. I cannot tell in this moment. He is asking me to see a band two months from now and he’s talking about wanting to find a place to do a date night with multiple couples. He says, “married friends” and “other couples I know” when talking about who we could hang out with for this fun thing we are hypothetically talking about. This is making future plans. Are we offical now? Is this how he shows me that he is my boyfriend? Casually saying “other couples” as if we already are a couple? I try not to be too excited, but I am in the middle of a marg, so I am sure I have a shit-eating grin. I have been really cool about needing a label for almost a year, but I am still a romantic and I do still want definition.

We talk about our potential plans. I mention a few things I would want to do. We talk about going to do this one specific thing. I say, “we can figure it out tomorrow.” He says, “I should have just brought stuff to stay over” and I say nothing, because I have nothing to say to that. He says, “let’s figure out the plans now.” I say that I don’t want to wait too late to do things, when can he come over? He says, “afternoon.” Okay. Well, what is afternoon to him? I let slip, “I just don’t want to wait around all day and then it’s like 5:00 and you still aren’t ready to go,” because, this is generally how he is with his time. He says no, more like 1pm. And I immediately think, probably more like 3-5pm, honestly. Well, now I know he’s coming back over to my house for a few hours, I am not cleaning my house tonight. I’ll have to clean in the morning. It is not livable. It is not ideal for an adult fun weekend without kids. I need dishes to eat on and drink water in. I didn’t wash my sheets for almost two weeks. It’s time to do some things to make it look like my tornado kids haven’t been at my house for a week straight. I say I want to do these things before I leave the house, but it should work out just fine. I can probably get it done before he even tells me he’s awake. Probably done before noon. Maybe, I’ll be reading and waiting for him until 3-5pm, but with a clean house, no doubt. 

We go back to my house. We achieve goals. I reach a height in pleasure that I could not previously fathom. I reciprocate. We linger in the intimacy. Shower together, which is normal. More intimacy that I want and need and wish I could keep. He leaves for home late and I think, “what is the point? Just stay.” But, I know he has things he needs at home, medication, clothes, stuff. I get it. He turns around and comes back for another kiss, and I think, “this is something I have wanted him to do for awhile.” To linger, and come right back for more. I say, “let me know when you wake up. Come to me with a couple ideas and we will figure it out.” Because, I usually wake up early. Very early. And he ususally sleeps disrupted and unpredictable. I don’t think we figured anything out yet. There was no set times. I said to just come over and we can figure it out already. It is more likely I will wait for him, than for him to wait for me. “Okay,” he says. He smiles. He kisses me. He leaves.

I go to bed lingering in the feelings. 

I wake up at 6:45am. I keep my phone next to my face when I sleep. I usually keep a book there, too, just in case you were wondering. I like to reach over and grab things from the middle of my big bed. I don’t want to half climb out of it to find out the time. I grew accustomed to knowing how to fall back asleep once I check the time. 6:45am is too early for a morning without my kids. I fall back asleep without a care or concern in the world, except myself. 

I wake up at 11:30am. This is strange. I usually wake up at 8am or 9am at least. Never past 9am on a Saturday. I check my messages. Nothing. Okay, nothing from him. I am not late for anything. I lay in bed and doom scroll. An hour goes by, I respond to his messages on social media. He sends me a message or two and I look at them. He asks me to call him when I get the messages. Okay. I check when he sent them. Not too long ago. Fine. I use the bathroom, brush my teeth, start to call while I clean the bathroom. It is time I moved around and got ready for the day ahead. 

He answers and I hear he is annoyed already. I am confused. He only just reached out. I asked him to contact me when he woke up. Did he just wake up? What? The messages from social media say he was up at 8am or 9am, but the nature of the content was not like “hey, let me know when you get up” and was just videos he saw that he thought I might like. Just pebbling, not anything to do with our plans. So… why is he upset with me at this point? I tell him my info dump. I slept in, didn’t know I needed it! I am a little groggy, but excited to spend time with him. Is he ready to come over right now? I can shower and be ready in like 20 min. No, he isn’t ready. But, there is no room for any reasoning, because he is annoyed. I try to work out what he is annoyed about. He doesn’t like that I am doing chores. Okay. But, he is coming over and there’s kid’s toothpaste on the bathroom mirror, cold, wet barbies laying on the floor on top of a damp bath mat, dirty kid’s clothes (stinky middle school boy socks, included) strewn about my house… and more. I don’t have a clean water bottle to take outside the house. I need a little bit of time to do that. He is agitated that I cannot let it go and not do the things. Well, I am sure that he has a set of things he needs to do before he leaves or else it wouldn’t take him 2-3 hours to get to me on any given day we have plans. What is this? What is he upset about, actually? I was ready to go last night with little to no notice, but now he is worried about me being ready on time? What time does he want me to be ready? He isn’t even ready! He suddenly has an attitude that I need to do something before I am ready? It’s still not even 1pm, yet. I ask him if he wants to do it on Sun instead. I don’t want to rush around and I want a clean house. He refuses. He wasn’t planning on staying after we wake up Sun. Oh. Okay. Well, what if we choose something else to do? We can do this another weekend. He is mad about that option because “you were the one who wanted to do this plan!” Uhhhh… okay? But, I am fine with literally anything else. We can just lay around doom scrolling on my couch or in bed for all I care. I just want to spend time with him. I say so and he’s mad. He says, “why did we make plans if you didn’t want to do anything?” I do want to do something, but we can choose a something that accommodates the fact that I slept in and he’s also not ready to go. I cannot win this. There’s no winners when he’s finicky and unmovable. I have offered up solutions, but he finds a fault in all of them as if I am the one that is being unreasonable. There’s an excuse for everything and it’s my fault. Not his fault. I am the unreasonable one here. I asked him to just come over and he says no. We need to meet at a central location. I say that if we have to drive back to my house eventually, isn’t it easier to just do that in one car and not two cars? No. Ridiculous. We have to meet at this location, at this place, today. …Okay? Why, though? Whatever. Fine. I don’t want to argue and if this ends the argument, I will pivot to not caring that he’s being a brat.

Ok. Pivot. I suggest that it will take at a bare minimum 1 hour to get ready or a little longer to do EVERYTHING I need to do. Is that reasonable? He says he won’t be ready until about then also, I can hear him compromising. We have been on the phone for almost an hour now and I am doing chores while I am trying to work this out. I can tell he’s still a little annoyed, but maybe he will let it go by the time we meet up. I suggest we communicate. I ask him to let me know when he is ready. When he is about 15 min away from leaving. At the time I said we could potentially meet up when we were on the phone, 2:30pm, I send out a message checkin in and letting him know I am just about done with chores, I can shower and be ready soon. Maybe closer to 3:15pm. He sends me a message at the same time and it gets delivered first. He is just out of the shower. Waiting on his dryer. Okay. So, let me know when you are 15 min away from leaving. 20 min later he says he’s planning to leave in 15 min. I say, “okay. I don’t want you waiting around for me, so I will let you know when I am leaving” so he can leave then, too. 20 min later I say, “Okay, I am getting in the car now.” He doesn’t really respond. Traffic is wild. I am re-routed three times. The highway is closed. It takes an extra 10 min, even with me speeding, to get there 5 min too late to make the last tour of the place I said earlier I didn’t need to rush around to go do. We could have rescheduled it for another time. Not a big deal to me. It was SUCH a big deal to him on the phone that we do this. And his way. And how dare I vaccuum a week’s worth of crumbs off my living room floor before we do things. 

I get to the meeting point. I say where I am parked. He doesn’t respond. I am unsure if he is there or on his way or if he’s alive at this point. I wait. Then, he says he is there, but not where. I consider driving around, then I see him coming towards me. I offered to drive. He said no, he’s got things in his car. Okay. Well. Me too. It was warm, the thing we planned to do was inside and cold, so I brought layers. I also planned to do yoga. I brought a mat, a change of clothes and toiletries, in case we went out to eat after. I had less stuff, maybe, I don’t know. He’s clearly annoyed. I am excited to see him. He doesn’t go for a hug or a kiss. This is normal, for him. I like a hug and a kiss when I see him. He doesn’t always do it, until he sets down his stuff and tinkers around and talks a bit. Then he will go for a hug and a kiss. I settle in the car quickly and he sets the destination. We start to drive. He says, we won’t get there on time. We will get there 5 min after the last tour leaves. I know from experience, you can still take the last tour. There’s a lot of hemming and hawing before you actually get into the place. There’s a 15 min video that plays everytime. We both have been there. We both have seen the video. I ask if he wants to drive to make up the time and he says, simply, “no.” He asks if he should re-route to the next destination and I say, “yes.” Feeling a little deflated. But, generally, fine. 

He starts to pick at this. He is upset. Angry. He says, “you always do this!” I’m not really sure it is me that always does this, but from his perspective, I guess it could appear to be my fault. However, it is not. At all. But, I apologize for getting up late. For sleeping in. For being late. For not knowing he was upset before I called him. For not knowing how to fix this. For my shortcomings, but also, isn’t he late all the time, too? Can’t he communicate more clearly if he is mad about these little things that could have easily been resolved? Couldn’t we have just picked something else to do that didn’t need a deadline? Couldn’t he have just been ready at 12:40pm when I called him and he said he was going to be ready to leave his house to come to mine? He is so mad, that no amount of me saying sorry is making any difference. I tell him I wish he would have communicated with me that he was feeling this way. Apparently, the phone call was his communication. Silly me, I thought we had gotten past it. How are we still on this? I slept in. I never get to sleep in. I needed to clean. Not wanted. Needed. My house had not been cleaned and it was not livable. I needed to wash dishes to have a water bottle and to eat before I left. I skipped breakfast to get there as soon as I could. I scarfed down half cold leftovers on the way to meet him so I could save some time. He did not fucking care. He was angry and it was my fault and he couldn’t believe I was trying to manipulate my way out of it. He was sipping on a fast food soda, indicating he also got food on the way and was rushing around. Why are we rushing and mad about rushing when we could have easily solved this? HELLO!?

Where is this coming from?

Did I miss something?

I am severely confused on how he is this upset about not getting to do something that I had already suggested wasn’t going to work out and we should try another day entirely. I already said we should do something else. It is like he wanted the day to crash and burn and when I suggested it didn’t have to, he made sure that it needed to. The conversation kept escalating to the point where I am getting frustrated, myself. I am getting scolded for shit he does ALL THE TIME. I tell him this argument is not worth ruining the day. I can still have a good time. He said he cant. He doesn’t even want to keep going to the next destination, his fun thing. He turns around. Heads back to my car. At this point, I am hurt. My feelings are hurt and now I have a huge pile of rejection on top of it all. He doesn’t want to hang out with me? I’m fucking chill as hell, what is he on about!?

What was the point of all this? He could have just skipped all this running around and frustration. What the fuck is this argument???

I got loud about it, because, it is hard not to feel exacerbated by these ridiculous made up rules I have somehow broken, but then I stopped. I don’t need to get mad about this. So I got calm. My kids know that when this happens and they push it, a devil will come out of my soul and crush us all. But, I didn’t get demon quiet. I got deathly quiet. Something will cease to live after this interaction. I did everything I could to prevent this fight from happening. He started getting louder. If I kept talking, I would cry. I put up a wall. I shut down. I was no longer fighting about this. It was done. It was over. I cannot help someone who will not help themselves. We are good. I am done. I tried to resolve it. I tried to figure out even what he was mad about. He kept making it about how he can’t tell me what it is about. I gave space. I gave room. I asked specific questions. I filled in blanks. He called them excuses and kept going and going and going. By the time we got back to my car, I was shaking. I couldn’t snap back at him, because in my soul, I have lived that relationship before and I am NOT turning back. I did nothing wrong. I did everything in my power to keep a positive attitude and keep trying my best to have a good day. He wasn’t having it and it was not my problem to solve. I asked him to explain why he’s so mad about us not doing the thing I wanted to do, if I am okay with not doing that thing. He started punching his steering wheel yelling, “I did this for you! I was trying to do something for you!” Well, let that information sit with you, sir. But, I don’t think it sank in for him. I attempted to resolve it further, and I am sure that I looked insane. I was deathly quiet and calm, but shaking. He yelled at me to get out of his car several times at that point. I asked him directly what we can do to resolve this. He yelled, “I just want to be alone! Get out of my car!” So I gathered up my stuff and I said sorry for my part in it, again. I said sorry to this man who was determined to have a bad day and blame me for it. 

I opened my car door and dropped my stuff in the front seat. I didn’t even get in the car. I stood there. I took off my sunglasses and standing there in a public parking lot at the age of 40, I hysterically cried. I sobbed more than I have for any man in years. That I was pushed that far beyond my limits and still kept my cool, I don’t know how I fucking did it. I let it all out. I wiped my tears, moved my stuff out of the front seat, got in my car, and sobbed some more. I wanted nothing but to call my mother. She was on a cruise. I texted some friends. They didn’t respond for hours. I sobbed and cried until I could calm myself enough to drive. I put in my destination as “home.” I kept making wrong turns and I pulled off to the side of the road to gather myself again. I couldn’t focus. I haven’t felt this disoriented in a long time. Not since I let my ex-husband do it to me. I didn’t like that realization. I calmed myself down again and went home. 

I did not hear from him the rest of the day.

Or Sun.

Or Mon.

Tues I woke up at 6:30am. The anxiety I had from the moment I shut down until that morning reached a peak. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I was stressed. I cannot let someone treat me like this. I told him that I was good. We don’t need to keep talking. We don’t need to keep hanging out. I am good on this relationship.

He still wanted to keep going into it. We did. Back and forth. We took a pause for a few days. Then back and forth. Going nowhere with the argument. Except, I am not arguing. I am saying sorry. I am saying it sucks, but it wasn’t worth being upset about. Truly. What am I missing here? He claims I was being manipulative and envoking DARVO on him. This is about the point where I am done. I am done. If you are seeing that out of the facts, I don’t think we will ever be able to move forward. I cannot even see how he can twist him being annoyed all day at me like it is my fault/problem, but OK. Fine. See it however you like. 

I tell all my friends about how I am done. Everyone says, “good for you!” One of my friends, who has a similar way of thinking, and gets in similar fights with their spouse brings up a couple good points. One is, maybe he put a lot of effort into the planning that I didn’t see and he was upset that I didn’t make it clear I appreciated him or what he does do. Okay. I can see how maybe that could have been felt by him. I did say that I appreciated the plans he made, but they were fucking weird and made no sense to anyone but him, and I can see how me pointing that out could have been insensitive. But, there was plenty of opportunities for him to articulate that and resolve it. But, sure. Okay. I can try to see it another way. She also asked, if he was willing to work it out, would I want to? Well, actually, yeah. My simp brain would. Because I wasted eleven years of my life on someone who treated me like this all the fucking time and I will not stand for it, but otherwise, I have had very little reason to be upset in almost a year of dating him. I would consider forgiving him and moving forward, if he apologized and actively communicated with me better. Everyone was disappointed by my change of heart. My therapist was still supoortive, but even she was clearly happy for me to end this thing after this weird shit and not as keen at me trying to keep working on it. 

I said to him that maybe I got the wrong impression from his part in all this. Maybe we are not communicating with each other well enough that we cannot see eye to eye, but we can still get through it and move forward, if he is open to it. 

Turns out, that was my viewpoint the WHOLE FUCKING TIME, but okay. I am saying it in a nicer/kinder way. 

He tells me he feels like I won’t listen. Like I keep pointing out shit that he did wrong, etc, etc, etc. Deflecting and then telling me I am the one deflecting. I feel like I am holding up a mirror to this man who says he has these same disagreements with other people in his life and I am wondering- is this how the women in his life feel when he tells me his perspective? They are all left feeling like he didn’t communicate clearly, got upset over something little that was entirely possible to change, but acted like it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to change it.  If someone is trying to stop the train from wrecking and he keeps saying no, I can see that it is about to crash, but we cannot do anything to stop it. Then it crashes and he says to them, I cannot believe you let it crash. WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

We talk on the phone for an hour. I hear him out. I let him say his peace. He keeps saying he can’t get to the part where he explains why he’s upset because I keep making it about the other stuff that doesn’t matter. I have him on speaker. I am on mute. I have not talked (that he can hear) for 20 minutes straight, but then he says it is me preventing him from telling me what he needs to say to get this thing resolved. I ask him directly, “so what are you mad about?” He is mad for me asking that, says he can’t keep having the argument, says, “bye,” then, he hangs up without waiting for a reply. 

I don’t hear from him the rest of the day. At this point, it has been one week since he blew up at me. I have attempted 3 times to resolve it since the time of the issue, when I attempted to resolve it.

The next day I tell him that one thing he is failing to see, is that when he was accusing me of being manipulative and of DARVO and I got quiet, that I realized it was over in that moment. I knew it. It was just. Over. We were through. He pushed me beyond my limits of what a healthy relationship can be. He didn’t apologize. I did. He didn’t own up to any of his short comings, mistakes, miscommunications. I did. I owned up to all of it. In the moment. That day. Countless times after. I told him I don’t see the point in trying to fix something that he wants to be broken. He broke it and he doesn’t want it fixed. So. It’s fucking broken now. It will never be fixed. I don’t think he even read it. He told me he needs space. That he doesn’t want to keep having this argument. He said please. Stop contacting him. He needs to speak to his therapist first. 

That was last Sun. Today, it has been two weeks from the Sat in question. 

I have not heard from him.

I am so ready for a healthy relationship. A healthy love. Someone who will reciprocate my love. Not wait around and play games. Not someone who is fickle and doesn’t know what they want. I need someone who wants me back. In all the ways. A healthy man who knows when it’s time to speak up and when it is time to shut up. When it’s worth talking about. When it’s not. A man who owns up to his mistakes and says sorry, right away. A man who doesn’t make these kind of mistakes. A man who communicates directly and with care. Just like I do. I deserve a man who will talk to me in a healthy way about issues. We work them through, together. We won’t always agree. We won’t always be in easy situations, but we work it out when it the tough things happen. We work towards not making the same mistakes. We make it easy to laugh. To love. To appreciate each other. We don’t blame each other for our own shortcomings. We guide, gently, when the other person can’t see what is obvious to the other person. We inspire each other to do our best. We take care of each other. In all ways. Health, happiness, the simple things that are required for a loving, kind relationship. This isn’t even too much to ask. This relationship has been more healthy than I’ve ever gotten, honestly, but it’s still not it. It’s still not enough. There was a whole side of this relationship that was childish and wasn’t deep. I was willing to try to keep digging and make it deeper. I was waiting with an open palm, ready to accept whatever he wanted to give me. I gave it right back in kind. I am not saying I was perfect all the time, but I am saying that I did my best. I do not like conflict. So I do my best not to be in conflict. Sometimes, that means bringing up the things that need talked about. I attempted to do that. My feelings were not seen or heard. I chose to let that go. It would need to be talked about eventually, but it was okay it wasn’t in that day. I was okay with it. I was okay with just letting it lay there until we were able to talk about. I wasn’t okay with seeing all the serious issues we should be talking about laying there waiting while we talk about whatever stupid fucking thing he caused over absolutely nothing. 

Ya know what I think? 

I think he needs to grow the fuck up. I think that sometimes people hurt and it’s no ones fault. It is just something you have to deal with. You learn to grow past your family relationships. You learn to accept when things are different than you expect. You learn to accept the potential of it being different because there is no other reason other than stubbornness. 

Ya know what I think?

I think that he thought he wanted a serious relationship, but he wasn’t quite ready for one. I think that he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with someone like we were getting. I think that he did love me, in some way, and instead of trying to explore those feelings, he chose to ignore or reject them. I think that he didn’t want to break up with me because then he would have nothing to do all summer. It wouldn’t be practical to try to start something new with someone else, because what would be the point? I think that he didn’t want to break up, but he knew that we would have to have a hard talk and he didn’t want to have it. I think that he got stuck in a loop of not wanting to break up and not able to say, “I love you, let’s try to make this work” and instead his sub-conscious made up a reason to be annoyed with me and to cause a problem, making it my fault instead of his, and then it would end itself. It was a good plan to just go with the anger rather than try to go deeper into the complicated feelings he was having. I think that it feels easier to blame me for being a toxic person than it is to consider that he has some toxic patterns to work on and break free from. I think that it feels easier to make me the bad guy than to work on himself and move forward, no matter how hard it might be to do so. I think that he isn’t prepared to realize that his marriage ended because of his own toxicity as much as his ex’s. I know, because, I had to do the same. I had to accept my toxic part in the ending of my marriage. It was not an easy pill to swallow. 

I hope he doesn’t choke.