I don’t think I even felt summer. It was here. I know I did things. I just can’t remember any of it. It was all a blur. I was sad and frustrated and wondering what to do with my life and too sad or tired or burnt out or dead inside or something to figure it out. Work has been so busy this year. So hard to not scream weekly. I come home exhausted and spent. I’m fighting everyone and everything to just sleep. Everyone wants my attention. I have none. I was done being sad though. I was over it. As over it as I could be after a break-up and I was happy again.
Then, I decided to start walking. I walked to not be frustrated. To not be upset. To feel better. I was outside and it was hot and I was sweating- but I didn’t seem to care, really. I listened to audiobooks. I listened to music. Mostly books, though. I kept walking. Some days, I barely walked. I was tired from the other days of walking. Some days, I pushed through it and I went for a walk anyway. I did a work challenge to walk 10,000 steps every day for 14 days. I just needed the end day to equal 140,000 steps. I knew I could do it. I just had to start. The first two days I was burned out from walking four or five days in a row at 10,000 steps. After that, I pushed through. Days 3-14 I got as close as I possibly could to 10,000 steps. Every few days, I would be under a little, then I would go over a little. I made it in 13 days. I was so happy! So proud of myself!
I also decided to just clear the air. The last relationship left me confused and hurt and sad. I felt as if there was so many strange things left unsaid. Maybe he just wasn’t mature enough. Maybe he just didn’t want to work on himself. Or didn’t know how to in that way, at least. I don’t know. But, it felt unresolved. For being friends with someone for about a decade, it felt strange to just let it go after all that. I asked my friend if I should reach out to him. He said no. Just let it go. But, we were friends, once, right? It was weird to be so supportive of someone and then never talk to them again. So, I reached out. I asked to clear the air. He agreed to it. My friend was disappointed in me. I could tell. I think he was expecting me not to be a spineless jellyfish, but I cannot start being backboned, if I never had one to begin with. All that aside, any hints of a red flag and I’m out. I don’t need to be told twice.
Either way, he seemed interested in seeing me that night. I didn’t expect that. I was thinking maybe I would hear from him again another time. I honestly didn’t expect him to reply right away. I figured he would just leave me left on read and I would wonder for years if I made the right choice and decide I was a good person to at least try for a forth time to apologize for something that wasn’t even my fault.
I wonder if the conversation we had even did clear the air. Did he even actually apologize? I can’t recall if he even said sorry or if he just said he agreed he didn’t like how we left things. I waited over three months for him to reach out to me. To say sorry. I still wonder if I just manifested words from my own head and pretended he said them or did he really say it? I don’t know.
I waited three months to just be the bigger person again. I guess he was ready to let me gracefully wait for a sort of apology.
He mostly talked about his ex. How he was finally at the point where it was just waiting on a signature and he was getting his money and moving soon. I was happy for him. I am happy for him. I hope he enjoys it all. This new adventure. I meant every word of it. I do mean every word of it.
At the end he asked me if I had anything going on? I don’t even remember. What is there to share? I read about 50 books since we last talked, I guess? Both my kids celebrated birthdays? I kind of want to fuck you? What do you even say to someone like this at that point? I guess he got the gist of it. He asked me if I wanted to fool around and for the first time in the history of: my ex wants to fool around after we broke up I actually wanted to just because a good cum sounded nice. Not because I wanted to feel wanted. Or get back together. Or I dunno, some other insecure thing. I asked myself if there was any feelings behind it for me and… there wasn’t. I just wanted to. So I said, okay. He asked me several times if I was sure. If I was truly comfortable with it. No pressure. We didn’t have to. But… I did want to. I truly didn’t have any reason to say no and it wasn’t out of boredom. I wanted to have sex with him and I was glad he wanted to.
It’s interesting having make-up sex. Sometimes, in the way past, I would feel like it was a lil treat after a really toxic fight. I would feel a hollowness being filled (temporarily, maybe with dick?) and sometimes it was just another toxic fight in the form of sex. I never really got it down right until this time. I didn’t have any hollowness. I didn’t feel anything bad or insecure. I just… wanted to have an orgasm with someone I once was comfortable and able to have an orgasm with. So. I did.
It was a little awkward at first. I felt like it was less awkward after a few giggles. I kind of feel like it’s always a little strange to be like, get naked and touch my nakedness, like it isn’t weird what humans do together for pleasure. We just ignore the fact that seeking pleasure with someone else is baseline, really fucking weird. All that aside, and normal human feelings to go with it, it was nice. It was nice to just feel comfortable with him again. To be okay with it all. I sometimes get insecure or weepy or lonely or hollow or needy or clingy or all of the above, after sex (especially sex with someone you aren’t dating and even more especially when it was someone you wanted a serious relationship with- who didn’t want one with you). But, I didn’t feel that way. I felt fine. I was like, okay. I guess I can just have casual sex and get off from that now. Cool.
He said to let him know when I wanted to do it again sometime and I was like. Okay. Sure. How about in a couple days, when I am free again? Because I have no game. I have no secret cards. I am face value just here all the time waiting with a smile on my face like a fucking clown. I honestly thought, well. That’s the end of that, I guess. I thought it would just be the ending that I was looking for. A nice little cum and a 'sorry it ended the way it did’ (maybe?).
But, then again, maybe it was just fine to see him again, too.
We hung out a few times more and it was quickly escalating to: This is Exactly Where We Left Off Before the Break-up. If he hadn’t gotten all weird, we would have been riiiiiiiight THERE. (Open curtains)
He seemed to be more willing to meet any day. Not just, those two days. He seemed more willing to talk with me about feelings. He seemed lighter. Less stressed. I am not sure exactly what happened. I don’t know if he changed. Or just got over something. Or the weight of his divorce and job and not following his dreams his whole life was just holding him back and now it wasn’t there- or what?
I don’t know. But, I enjoyed the benefits of him being more present. He kept making a point to say he had a snack and he isn’t cranky. We communicated better. It was going well. There was still the looming him moving to another country thing though.
In the last few weeks before he moved, it seemed like we were getting really close. Like he was actually enjoying the idea of dating me. There is still no talk of any label, here. I am just simply the person that keeps listening to him speak and enjoying his penis, I guess. Not a girlfriend though. That’s not a thing we are doing here, obviously.
It seemed like he was being more affectionate. It was a bit strange. Did he always have this capacity? Did he just now decide to let me have it, finally? Why could he not give me that kind of attention over the last year that we saw each other? Why now?
I took a weekend away in another state and he went away to yet another state and he communicated more with me than he had, generally, and it was surprising. I thought, maybe we can do this thing? The weird part was that he was being sort of vague about driving up with a friend. That was a woman. And vague about where he was staying. And what that meant. I chose (and actively choose) to believe that he would be open with me if there was something that he needed to tell me about. I was clear that I was not trying to seek any relationships and I am not (still) trying to seek any other romantic/sexual/dating relationships. I didn’t think it needed to be said. But, did we say it? I thought I did say that when we first started hanging out again. I think I did say that he should tell me if there is someone else he wants to pursue? I am not trying to get blind-sided here. (Especially: Over someone who won’t call me his girlfriend.)
It just could be a feeling, I guess. I just wanted to know some details and it was vague as fuck. But, sure. Okay. I still don’t know the details, and if there is nothing else to be said, then I heard it all, I suppose.
After that, I decided to be so very open about everything. I asked for what I wanted. I was clear on what I needed. I said what I said, when I said it, and it didn’t mean anything else other than what I said. I expect(ed) the same treatment, and I have to assume, I am getting that.
The last week or two he was here, it was just strange. I kept pushing that he can try to sext me or call me or facetime me now or when he’s away and we can figure this out. Because if it is meant to be, it will be but, you still have to work for it. I suggested visiting for one night at the tail end of an upcoming trip. He was classic: non-answer. Then, he said I should do it. He kept crying. He had a lot of people to say bye to. He kept saying he has gotten close to some people. ‘like you.' Like I am the afterthought of “some people.” I kept wondering, is he just being shy because grown men have a hard time crying and expressing themselves or is there other women he is sad about leaving? Can he just come out and say, I think I am falling for you and it sucks I am leaving, because you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me? (Spoiler alert: it is too much to ask for. I don’t get these kind of declarations anymore. Only if they are drunk or too young or I dunno, it was the early 2000s.) Or was it like, I started dating someone else and now is not the best time to tell either of you. ?
I kept asking him: why he is acting like he’s dying? I am just trying to enjoy him while I have him here. I just wanted to see him and spend time with him and obviously get off with him. I told him that I will be fine until a few weeks after he leaves. That’s when I’ll be sad. (That time is now.) I told him that I don’t want him to feel held back and I don’t want to be held back and we should keep trying to communicate and let each other know how we are feeling and not to get upset or resentful because you have someone else overseas and start feeling guilty about liking someone else- but hopefully we are not going to want to pursue anyone else, ideally- but, this is all because we cannot predict what the future holds, right? (I haven’t been asked out in over a year, and before that, it was over two years, so I dunno what’s going to happen, but probably not me being asked out.) (More likely, me waiting around for him, hoping he isn’t asking anyone else out, and then getting upset when he doesn’t move back or ask me to move with him.)(Inevitably, amiright?)
I had to wait a bit to figure out the flight stuff until my mom could call and get some answers. When I finally got the answers I needed, I reached out with some flight info, but time zones are different, I guess. He was more answery, but still kind of vague and I was like. Okay.
Nevermind, then. I don’t have to spend money to do this. I’m literally going to be so exhausted from traveling and spending time with my mom and sibling after this trip and I am choosing to extend myself even further to be in ANOTHER time zone to spend time with him, but a vague non-answer. Yup. I deserve it, I am sure of it.
A few days later, I am saying, let’s talk about whatever anxiety you are having, because I guess I am an adult now and I share my feelings and I wanted to know what the issue was and so I can be okay with it. He gave me the brush off for several days, which sucks butts. Like. Okay. Ouch.
Then a more answery answer: book it. I just wanted to be sure you knew my schedule wouldn’t allow me to take you back to the airport.
Yes, I am a grown ass woman. I can handle this. I have been alone and traveling before. I have been flying since I was a kid and barely an adult the first time I flew alone to visit my sister across the country. I can handle this 22 years later.
I still waited another couple days. Just in case he changed his mind. Just in case I made up the last two months. Maybe this is a giant ruse. I dunno. I have been hurt so badly before, by other “men,” that nothing would surprise me now.
I booked the flights. I did the thing. I was excited!
Now, I am terrified. What have I done? Why didn’t I ask what we are first? Why didn’t I clarify he hasn’t asked anyone else out or kissed anyone else or fucked anyone else or I dunno- whatever else might hurt to find out when I see him IN ANOTHER COUNTRY- oh god! Why did I not ask this BEFORE I booked the tickets? Is there something wrong with me? Why did I not think about all the avenues first? Why do I act impulsive? He was barely interested in the idea when I asked at first and then still hesitated last week. *Internal screaming* If he wanted to, HE WOULD. The worst part is that I didn’t even think anything of these non-answers. I wasn’t concerned. I had no anxiety about it. Until today. Until now. Until I kept thinking about the way he has always and is occasionally M.I.A. and then acts like it is fine to just pull away suddenly. O.U.C.H.
I kind of hate that my brain really wants me to be the woman scorned. I am always the villain to healing people, but to me, I am always the desperately lonely woman scorned.
I spent all day picturing scenarios (CLASSIC INFP) where I am happy: I am wearing the cutest outfit, of course I look amazing, because I lost about 40lbs. All his new friends are excited to meet me, 'is this her? wow, our guy can pull!’ Or- Skip ahead a few years… Maybe he just decided to buy us a house and now we have one in two countries and we can just start our new life together. I find a great job at another location of my current work. Oh, joy. Isn’t this just lovely? Or- we meet up and have passionate orgasms all over the place ‘cum all over my face’ I say, seriously, after he has licked me to screaming his name- potentially to roommates banging on the walls, ‘shut the fuck up!'
But, because my brain is an asshole, I also started having these, too: Ok, some of the new friends come into the bar and we are cozy and he is naturally very affectionate with me and one girl runs off upset (I truly read YA because I enjoy reading about drama) and I am in the bathroom when I hear her telling her other friend, sobbing, obviously, that she thought he liked her! The friend is consoling her like, 'what a jerk! did he fuck you and then had a girlfriend the whole time!?' and she’s like, ‘well, no. we didn’t have sex.’ and then the friend is like, ‘oh? ok, well like, he led you on and asked you out and stuff, so he’s still a piece of shit!’ and the girl is like, ‘well, actually, he just asked me to study at a coffee shop, so it wasn’t like a formal thing.’ and then the friend is like, *confused* ‘so, did he buy you a coffee?’ and the girl is like, ‘no, he brought a drink with him and he said he doesn’t like coffee and didn’t offer to buy me any.’ *now girl is and friend are: confused* and her friend is like, ‘so he just studied with you? did he say he liked you or something?’ and the girl is sobbing even more, ‘no, but he was just really nice to me and i thought that is like how he was saying he liked me!’ and meanwhile, I have been done peeing for awhile and just INVESTED knowing that he is actually a decent guy who would never pursue someone without telling me about it. And I feel bad for this poor girl who has never had a man be nice to her. But, now it’s super awkward because she knows who I am and I saw her, too so now I am just looking for a way out, but they are blocking the only exit! Also, I am not even his girlfriend! He probably won’t be affectionate or introduce me to his friends- get real! Or- I get there and he’s not at the airport and he doesn’t respond, so I make my way to his apartment (or he makes me get a hotel in my name and then he doesn’t want to even stay both nights OR EVEN ONE!!) and then, I get there, but he’s working on stuff and ‘didn’t know what time it was’ and then he’s reclusive but can’t focus and has to leave to get work done and I end up taking a horrid nap that leaves me cranky and annoyed, waking in the middle of the night- and HE’S STILL NOT BACK. Then, the next day, we are both tired, annoyed, and cranky, and he picks a fight and I cry and go back to the airport, deciding to wait it out with strangers because at least they aren’t HIM.
I guess it all is too much to ask for. Too much to think that in the last week or so that he was here, I was desperately asking to hang out with him and trying to also be nice about the fact that he has other people to see and really wanted the last DAY to be with me. He did spend the last night at my house and lingered a little in the morning. He was here an extra hour or so before he left. We had one of those moments where we just looked at each other and came at the same time and lingered there, too. It’s hard to deal with those feelings. The ones of falling in and falling out. The lingering kiss and wiping tears and knowing that everything is beautiful, but also sad. It’s hard not to feel that way. The last two months were pretty ideal. It was just like stairs that lead up to fog. I keep taking a step now and then to see if I land on steps, but it’s hard to keep feeling the same momentum. It’s hard not knowing if he is even still on the same set of stairs. It’s hard to know if he isn’t jumping on and off them while I sit and wait on this step, scared to climb back down, knowing how far I went up them.
Here’s the part. Here’s the part where it hurts. It wasn’t the time we spent. Or didn’t spend. It’s the right now. The wondering if I am alone in my trust. Wondering if I am the only one waiting. Wondering if I ever was, wondering if it ever will be. Wondering if this is what I am meant to be doing. Wondering if he is the one I should wait for? Wondering if I should just fade into the background and go back to being sad for a few months, so I can get over him and then see him as a friend for a few days. Will he take pictures with me on this trip? I can’t visit another country and not photograph it- but the only pictures I have of him are ones that other people sent me from my party before we stopped talking for a few months. Is there no pictures of us because I never asked for any even though I wanted to? Is it because it feels too “relationshipy” and CLEARLY we are jUsT fRiEnDs.
Midnight thoughts are a wild roller coaster of absolute slop. I cannot and will not be held accountable for these ravings. Don’t even ask me to justify them. I won’t.
It just feels so fucking
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