The Dream

 “You deserve a love like Gomez loves Morticia… never have to doubt it. You deserve to be cherished and adored. Never have to chase love or wonder if it’s right. It will just be right. A big love. A flame that burns inside of both of you.” 

I never felt like I was anything like Morticia. Maybe, I was in the sense that I’ve always had a darker side to me, that I don’t show often. Maybe, I was in the sense that I have a lure that is inexplicable. And sarcasm. Def the sarcasm. But, otherwise, I always found her to be heartless. I found her to be too independent. To fierce. In other words, I was always afraid of being her because I was afraid she didn’t love like I do. I always considered myself to be a big softie. To be a lovable cinnamon roll. But, now I see it. I see Morticia inside of me. She’s been waiting. Waiting for me to come into my full power. Like a phoenix from the ashes, I have become full grown. I have emerged. Born anew. Shiny and firey. I embody the goddess that I always shyly ignored, cowering in the corner. 

I didn’t think I could become her.

Not until I have. 

The shoulders back, chin up, confidence that I always felt didn’t fit, suddenly… fits. It suits me. This power from within that I hadn’t known existed. Now, I deserve Gomez. I think I always did. I always wanted Gomez, I just didn’t know how to get him. I just needed to show up. Become myself. Emerge as the stoic queen deserving of all I have earned and more. 

My world just opened up and I crawled out, stood up, squared my shoulders, and (amused) looked around at my kingdom. 

Fuck being meek. I am not weak. I am strong. 

I am a fucking Goddess. 

“Someone is watching you. They are looking at your profiles. They are stalking you, respectfully. They are scared to reach out. They know they’ve hurt you. They know that they caused you all this pain and all they have to do is just show you that they want you. Show you that they care. That they choose you.”

Someone is reading my old posts. I can see when people look at my writing. I can see what day they did. I can see how many people looked at it after they did, because it got boosted because it was looked at. It’s all calculatable. Tracable. I see you. I see you looking. You are afraid. Afraid of how strong I’ve become. Afraid that you can’t give me what I want. 

If it’s not Gomez energy, then fuck off. 

If it is… then try me. I am not a closed book. I am not a lock box. I am a fucking person. A human being. I love and laugh and cry and sleep and eat and fuck and if you want me, then tell me about it. Let me make the decision. Let me know about it. Don’t just sit there lurking and hoping that I will get the memo that you are interested in me.

Please. I don’t need scared lil boy energy. 

Rise up. Be a fucking man. Grow a pair. Apologize. 

Don’t come at me with some weak ass apology, either. Be kind. Be sincere. Be consistent. Be persistent (if I am open to it). Show up.

The worse thing that a motherfucker can do after doing me dirty is to pretend they didn’t do me dirty. 

I am assuming we were friends at some point? We were probably sleeping together at some point? Assume that you need to apologize like you would to someone you wouldn’t fuck. Apologize to me like you would to your mother. Sister. Aunt. Cousin. Whatever and whomever you hold in high regard. Apologize like that. Do it without any regret. 

If it’s from the heart, I will know. 

If it’s not, I’ll know.

“This is something new. He wants to ask you out. He wants to take you out someplace fancy. Oh- he wants to wine and dine you! He wants to impress you and take care of you! OMG! This energy is ready to move in! To marry you! He knows that it is it. That he didn’t realize it until now, but you are IT! Now that he knows, he doesn’t know how to get back into your life. His family is holding him back. Saying that he shouldn’t reach out. To leave you alone. But he knows how he feels. He knows that you are the ONE. He is really LUSTING after you!”

I am not accepting anything less than I deserve. It is not up to you what I deserve. It is up to me. I don’t give a shit about fancy things. I just want to pay my bills, grow some wealth casually, go on thoughtful adventures, and enjoy my time on earth. I want my house worked on. Do you want to help me with that? You better if you want in my life! I need to redo all my walls and floors. New gutters, remodel the kitchen, and insulation, too. That’s what I need. I need a man who will make the phone calls and pay the people to show up to do the work. You can always do it yourself, too. But, do it quickly, I do not do well in chaos zones. I don’t do well with several year renovations. Get it done. Work in sections. Complete the tasks. Help me de-clutter. Be my motivator. Let me rest and read. Don’t bother me when I am asking for space. Don’t disturb my peace. Bring things to the table. Don’t just show up and expect there to be food on the table and a skimpy outfit on my body. Don’t act like everything is taken care of in my life. (It is, but you need to put in the work.) I need you to fill that role. You show up and take care of ME. I don’t need a fancy dinner (although, my birthday is a great time to treat me). I need a house that I can live in comfortably. I need a kitchen I can cook in. I need walls that don’t get wet when it rains or crumble when I put up something heavier than a pin (not even a thumbtack- a PIN). I need a man to show up and show me what he can do for ME. I know what the fuck I can do for you. YOU know what I can do for you. And just know, that what you got is a fraction of what I am capable of. There’s no way you got the whole Morticia when I wasn’t even born yet. You got a piece. You present your whole package to me. Show me who you can be for ME. Everything you got. I decide whether it is for me or not. Not you. 

Show up. Be the fixer for ME. Fix my house. Build trust with me. Never take me for granted or take advantage of me or my children or my family. Never harm me or my children or my family. Regulate my emotions and my children’s. Help heal the wounds that you and others like you have left. Wait for me to be ready to date you. I am not sleeping with anyone for many months. I can go without for over two years, I have already proven that to myself. I am not going to fuck it all up just because of someone who WANTS me. The next few months are CRITICAL for me. I wear the pants. I am pursued. I do not pursue. If you can figure it out? If you can be that person? If you make the habits and show up for me…. then maybe you have a chance to date me. Maybe I’ll let you. 

But, if you don’t ask… 

I was in a store. There wasn’t anyone inside. Not much. I could see the warm glow of the outside through the big windows. There were many interesting things inside. Just my taste. Just my type. I was admiring things and gently inspecting them. Placing them down after I turned them this way and that. “You aren’t supposed to be here!” a panicked voice startled me. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I said, confused. “The door was open, so I walked in. I really love everything in here. When will you be open?” He softened, only a little. “Soon. We just aren’t open yet. Please leave and come back again some other time.” I set down the trinket, walked to the doors and looked back, still confused. I walked outside and it was raining. It felt like a storm was about to pick up. It got dark and it rained, heavily. I smiled. I danced. I skipped. I ran. A woman saw me and looked at me from under her umbrella, quizzically. “I just love the rain, isn’t so CLEANSING!?” I laughed and ran off before she could respond. I didn’t need her judgement. I had the rain to wash it away before I felt the sting of her. 

I let him cry. He sobbed that he asked her to marry him and she said no. That he was so hurt by the rejection. He didn’t know where to go from here. I told him it was okay. I rubbed his back and let him cry. He let it all out. After a time, He started to fall asleep and I walked away.

I found my mother. I told her about him. She said not to sell myself short. She said not to go after someone like that. I didn’t know what to say to that, she was right, of course. I should let that lay there for awhile. Let him decide for himself what he wants. He was rejected, but he’s not ready for me, yet. I felt a little dirty, then. I gave a piece of myself to someone who didn’t need it. Or maybe I was okay with that? I was stepping on stones far apart, like I was crossing a river. My mother followed behind me. I picked up a bouquet. I looked at the contents. I decided to bring it to the front. I wanted to keep this posy. I turned it over. It had a felt wrapping, just like a flower bouquet. I peeled back the felt and discovered a long white feather. It was moving delicately from my breath. “I was looking for you!” I said to it. I decided that I was making the right choice, after all.