Well. What an interesting weekend.
Last week I bought a (non-refundable) ticket to go see a man in Ireland at the tail end of another trip that was supposed to land me in London. I was planning two nights with him. I was so excited! I was going to get to see a man that I had known for about thirteen years. We got to know each other about ten years ago and then we reconnected a couple years ago.
He reached out to me on social media and we got to talking. After a few months, he asked me if I was interested in starting a friends with benefits situationship. I said, NO THANKS. I was not looking for that. At all. I had too many men ask me for this in the last (all my life) few years and I don’t want that kind of relationship. I want a real, committed, serious relationship. If I start to date someone and it isn’t going to ever turn into anything else, I end it. I’m end game, baby. I’m a wifey.
A few months later… he asked me on a date. It was the end of winter and I was clear where I was at in life. I was obese. I was still healing from a traumatic childhood and relationships. I haven’t had sex in two years. I want a serious relationship. I asked him if he was ready for a serious relationship. He said yes. He said he was open to seeing where it went with us. He said we have chemistry, he’s attracted to me, he wants to see if we can make something work between us and grow the connection we had. I said I am also open to a serious relationship and accepted going on a date with him.
It was slow moving, but I enjoyed the pace. I was able to start healing some parts of me that was always trying to rush into things with the wrong people. I had time to think. To decide if I really did want to keep going. I had time to just enjoy his company. It started out a little awkward in the bedroom because I hadn’t been with anyone in so long and I was self-conscious of the weight I had gained. I wasn’t sure how my body would move yet. I wasn’t fully confident. I also really like to get to know someone and trust them first. I need to know that I can trust someone fully before I can orgasm. (Or sometimes, I have no interest in the person and it just happens.) But, he was patient and we figured it out. It was good and it worked.
For the first 3 months, I kept attempting to pull him into my life, but he seemed to be evasive. He seemed to keep saying he wasn’t divorced yet and didn’t feel right about putting a label on it. Okay. Fine. A bit of a set-back, but okay. After about 5-6 months, he brought up the fact that we had been seeing each other for longer than he realized. Yeah. So. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, I guess.
I just kept enjoying the moments. He was sleeping over at my house 1-2 days a week. Sometimes 2 nights in a row. Then he started pulling back. I felt it. I wasn’t sure if I was just being insecure or if he was about to break up with me or what. I just felt the shift in his mood.
He said he was depressed. He was fighting with his mom. I believed him that he was dealing with those things, but it felt like more. I continued to work on my healing. What am I so insecure about? I wrote posts about it in November and December. I was working on it on my end.
I invited him to spend time with my family over the holidays since he was fighting with his mom. He politely declined. It felt like a sign. But, I chose to trust him.
In the spring, around the end of February and beginning of March, he was sad again. Depressed. But, then he was back with me. More present. I didn’t know what shifted, but something did. So I accepted it. Anything he would give me.
I healed parts of myself that I thought were always going to be ruined by my traumatic past. I began to have orgasms during sexual acts that were tainted by sexual abuse and sexual assault. I was starting to heal deep wounds.
Then, out of the blue, he pulled away again around April. He asked me if I was interested in going to a show with him (a band I didn’t really know) and I accepted. He offered to just come along with him for the weekend and do something else, if not go with him to the show. I said, sure. I would see if I could get a sitter for my kids. But then, he said he was going to go with a “friend" of his instead. Okay. I was a little hurt. He made plans with me and then said nevermind. He seemed like he wanted to break it off with me so I gave him the space to do it.
Not too much time later, he blew up at me. He screamed at me for no reason and I took it… until I didn’t. I said, “This is the stupidest fight I’ve ever been in.” He screamed at me. Punched his steering wheel. I was in shock. Panicked. I felt like I was back in my marriage with my ex-husband. (Except, he did that within a few weeks of us dating and continued to do it until I divorced him and even still tries to this day to do it to me via text.)
So I broke it off with him.
I took time and healed. I grew from it. The experience still left me so confused. I felt like I did something wrong, but I could not figure out what it was- no matter that the signs all pointed to the fact that I did not do anything wrong.
He announced he was leaving for Ireland on social media and I saw it. I took a chance and decided to wish him well. He received it kindly, so (against the better judgment of my friend) I impulsively reached out to him to see if I could get some clarity and closure I never got from when we broke-up. He responded fairly quickly, unusual for him, and asked if he could stop by. My friend told me not to reach out. But, I had a glass of wine in my hand and three friends that canceled on me. Pathetically, I said “sure.” He came over, we caught up, we talked for about two sentences about the break-up and then he asked if I was open to having sex. I thought about it before he came over, because he asked if I wanted a “gentleman caller” and I felt like he was asking if I wanted sex, but I dunno. It wasn’t clear. Could have just been a weird joke. He is weird. Who knows? Either way, I thought about it and it felt fine to do, so I was open to it. I asked him if he dated anyone in the break up period of time. He said no. Not really. Nothing serious. I asked if he was sleeping with anyone and he said no. So I said, I haven’t been with anyone else. We should definitely communicate if we start sleeping with anyone else. He agreed. So I said “okay."
It was better than before. I had lost a little weight. I was more healed. More confident. I was okay with being more open about what I wanted. He remembered what I liked and did it. It was fun. We showered together, which is a bit intimate for just fucking, but that is what we always did. He left and asked me to let him know if I wanted to do it again sometime.
So we kept hanging out. We quickly fell back into where we were before, then surpassed it. He was more affectionate. Forehead kisses. Squeezes, just because. Extra long hugs. Back cracks when he knew I was stressed. Cuddles. Reaching for my hand. Pushing my hair back, gently. Falling asleep together for almost the whole night cuddling. Just being more sweet than he was the first go around. It felt like we were getting somewhere emotionally deeper. So, I assumed that we were going to be just fine, even with him moving. I kept telling him I just want to enjoy the time I have with him. I said, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I meant it. I knew it would require work and I already told him I was willing to keep being present in his life, if he wanted to. I said we needed to communicate about any other partners. If he wanted to date someone else, just tell me. Let me know if he wants to pursue someone. I would do the same. He agreed.
The first few days/weeks were okay. I was okay. Then, it started getting to me. I missed him. He said he missed me, too. We were talking on the phone for hours, texting all day, sending little pictures, pebbling on social media apps, and keeping up with each other as if the only thing that was different was that there was no sex and we couldn’t see each other in person. I solidified my plans to come see him. I felt like he was hesitating, but he eventually said it wasn’t me, that he just didn’t know his schedule yet and wanted to be sure I could get back to the airport okay. Sure.
I wrote a post about it. How I was feeling insecure. That it felt like he might have lied to me. That I had a feeling he was hiding someone else. But, he was so affectionate and kind. He wouldn’t do that to me. He didn’t seem like the type of person who would do that to anyone. I asked him direct questions and he gave me direct answers. I thought we were on the same page. I thought he was communicating with me openly, like I was with him.
Then, a week later… he texts me after midnight (his time) and asks if we can talk on the phone. I knew he felt sick (sinus infection and COVID!) and he was missing his second week of school. I let him know about 10 hours earlier when I was available to talk. It was just like him to not be able to fit into the boundary I gave him, but reach out anyways. I thought about not answering the text. What if I just enjoy a movie and pizza night with my kids? I can talk in the morning. But, something was telling me I should take the call. I thought maybe he was finally feeling better. Or he felt worse. That something bad had happened. I don’t know. He was dealing with a lot (when isn’t he, amiright?) So, I confirmed it was okay with my kids, paused the movie, and said I was ready for a phone call.
He said he needed to tell me something. He said there was a “bit of an overlap” where he was dating someone else. I asked him to tell me the truth. All of it.
Two hours later… I learned a lot of things that I didn’t think he would do to me. But, I was right. About everything. Every time I felt like he was pulling away and making me insecure about our relationship, it was because he was talking to someone else. He was giving her attention. I told him my tickets are non-refundable. He offered to pay for them. I told him that I might still go and not see him. I might be willing to say hi. I might not go at all. I asked him if I could stay with him, if I decide to go. Not saying I will. Probably won’t, but I need to know. He said he was going to offer to pay half for a hotel for the two of us (before he told me he was cheating on me) and I said it would be appropriate for him to book a hotel room for ME and he doesn’t get to stay there, if I decide to go. I want the option of not seeing him. Taking an empowering trip for two days alone. If that sounds right after I process all this.
He warned me that the other woman he was sleeping with was going to reach out to me. So he only told me because she said she was going to tell me. He said she saw my blog. My post. She read it and put it together.
Good.
I’m so glad.
Because I don’t need to waste anymore time with someone too immature to tell me there was someone else. He told me that when he initiated a casual relationship with me after we broke up… he was seeing her. He said it was just in that break up time. That she thought it was way more than it was- that she loved him, but he didn’t feel that way about her. The more questions I asked him, the more his story changed. I felt like I couldn’t trust what he said at all.
He said that he made it clear with me that he wanted something casual. He never wanted anything serious. That it was just me reading into it.
Eventually, he told me that he cared about me. He had feelings for me. That I wasn’t just some random person. That he did feel like we were building a relationship. I wasn’t alone in how I felt. It was more than just sex. He cares about me. A lot. He really enjoys spending time with me.
He admitted he also cared about her. Had some feelings for her, too. Not like she felt for him.
He said he was too chicken-shit to say no. He said he should have just said no to her when she reached out and asked to start up a just sexual relationship. I asked what he meant. Did he mean he was too scared to say no to me? Or her? If he was seeing her before we started having sex, then why did he initiate something with me? Also- he came onto me! He gave me silence for a moment and then he said he didn’t realize that I ACTUALLY wanted closure. He thought I was implying a booty call. He said he meant that he was too much of a coward to stop seeing one of us or both of us. That he was too much of a people pleaser. That he couldn’t say no because he didn’t want to hurt either of us. That it snowballed and he was suddenly in a relationship with two people without them knowing.
Dude. No. I didn’t ask for this. I was so crystal clear on what I wanted out of the relationship, at every point. He was the one driving it. He had the option to stop and get out of the car. He had the option to just… not fuck two people at once.
I checked my socials. He didn’t say her name. But I already knew it. I knew it when I wrote the post last week. She commented on two of his posts and one of them just sounded a bit… more familiar. Like he was actively talking to her. I commented with a heart-eyed emoji, because I couldn’t say what I wanted to, she already did.
I looked at her profile. It was private last week when I looked at it. It was appearing now, but I wasn’t sure why. I checked my hidden messages. I didn’t see anything.
The next morning, I opened up social media. Checked my accounts and there it was. A message from her. Time stamped the exact time he messaged me saying he wanted to call me. She said, "I think we should talk about this dude.” She left her number. I called my mom. I told her everything. I texted my friend. The one that said not to reach out to him again. “You were right.” I said. Of course he was- he felt it, too. That this guy was not telling the whole truth. It just seemed shady AF.
I called her. We talked for over 2.5 hours. We built up a timeline. We talked about what he would do with us. How he spend his time with us. The things he did that were very “boyfriendy” and what he did that wasn’t. He took us to the same types of restaurants. He told her they couldn’t eat out at the restaurants where I lived because he didn’t want to see his ex-wife. He told her he didn’t do social media. He was spending time with her and her parents. Spending time with her over holidays. He had introduced her to his co-workers at a concert just like he did with me. He introduced her to his friends, just like he said he wanted to do with me the weekend we broke up.
Turns out… They broke up and he started seeing me. Then around November/December, she reached out and asked if he wanted to fuck casually. They started hanging out again and it escalated quickly. It felt like it was getting serious. He was spending a lot of time with her. Then they took a bit of a break around February while she was healing. Then, she came back into his life around April. She had no idea about me. He never mentioned me. Never brought me up. I didn’t exist to her. I only knew her name from the couple times he mentioned her. The concert he asked me to go with him to before we broke up, he went with her. When he was in another state, he said he was driving up with her and he said he was staying with “2 friends” but, it was her and her mother.
I thought I could trust him. That he wasn’t fucking someone else. She thought she could trust him. That he wasn’t fucking someone else.
She said she saw my comment. The heart eyes comment. Then she looked at my profile, just as I had done to her. She found my blog. She read the one from two posts ago about the break up we had in mid-April and thought, that’s strange. It sounds so familar. Then, she read my last post and thought, that fugly, cheating asshole! She called him. Confronted him. He admitted to it all. She told him she loved him and he didn’t say it back. (I was reminded of what happened to me years ago. This exact thing. I was in love with someone who never wanted anything from me outside of sex. I told him I loved him when he was telling me he couldn’t see me anymore.) He told her that she was making up feelings that weren’t happening between them.
If it wasn’t for her telling me, I still wouldn’t know the truth. I would still be blinded to this. He was never going to tell me because, it turns out, HE is the spineless jellyfish! Not ME.
I spent all weekend thinking about all this. I need to process things and I’m not completely done feeling hurt by this, but I am moving forward.
This wasn’t my fault. I was clear in my intentions. I was clear with what I wanted. What I expected. I will say, sure, I didn’t redefine the relationship before he left, but I didn’t think we had to. I thought we were on the same page (and he admitted he was) EXCEPT he was also reading another book and didn’t disclose that. BUT- that does not excuse November through April and it does not excuse him LYING to me when I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else. That is all on him. ALL OF IT.
I’ve been thinking of the timeline. The things that he said. The things she said. The things I know. I pieced them all together and I was starting to realize something wonderful. A silver lining in all this.
My gut told me. My instincts were correct. I knew something was wrong and he was giving me half-truths. I knew that his explanations weren’t really it. My gut is so on point. I should listen to her. I think that I maybe heard her sometimes, but now I am LISTENING. I heard it and didn’t listen and that’s where it got me: cheated on. I know that now. Around 3-5 months into the relationship, when most people start to say I love you, when he wasn’t being clear on whether he wanted to define the relationship, that was the time I should have exited. I should have asked him to just be friends, instead. I wasn’t strong enough to do it. I see that now. We didn’t need to be sleeping together. He didn’t need to stay over. To shower with me. He could have just been my friend. If he wasn’t ready for a commitment to me, then he could just be my friend and we could leave it at that.
But, I didn’t know that then. I can’t fault myself for still trying to navigate what I needed to learn and heal. I see it now. I know I can trust her now. Fully. And I’m going to.
I owe him some gratitude (*eye roll* that sleeze ball gets a ‘thank you?’ UGH-I know! He doesn’t deserve my thank you. But, I am still going to do it. I’m not an asshole. Even if he hurt me, he was my friend at some point.) He helped me heal a part of myself that I never thought I could. He helped me open up. He encouraged me to follow my dreams, goals, aspirations, and to be better. Do better. Be a better mom, to get healthy, to read more, to go back to school. He was encouraging. He also showed me insecurities I needed to work on. Things to heal before I meet the man of my dreams.
Because of all this, I am able to say that I feel okay. I feel like I will be ready for him, when he comes along. I wasn’t quite ready to let someone else into my life before. I didn’t know it until I was seeing someone (that felt safe, at the time), but then I saw it. I saw where I needed to unlock and open my door a little. Open the shades and let some light in. Crack the window and let in the breeze. I see where there was need to grow from this relationship. He helped me get there. It was painful. It was hard. But, not as hard as other relationships. Not as hard as other times I needed to heal. I feel more confident that I will be okay.
I’m a little sad, but I will be okay. I’m resilient. I am strong. I am confident in my capability to be a good person through the pain I have. I can and will endure it. I have been hurt so much worse by lesser men. It will be okay.
At least I wasn’t in love with him. That would have really hurt me a lot. I’m glad I just liked him a bit more than a friend. That I was only just starting to open up the idea of having feelings for him. Otherwise, this would be hard to come back from.
I wanted to work on one of these final chapters last week. I fully intended on doing Chapter 10 last week after my insecure post. I saw Chapter 7 lingering there and I think it was meant for me to finish all three chapters now.
Chapter 7:
What's a comment or judgment that you tend to take quite personally?
That I am not good enough. That I can’t be loved. That I’m too much. That I am not worthy of love. These aren’t comments so much as sometimes I can feel this way because of a simple “I don’t want to hang out” or “I don’t want to do that thing you said you wanted to do” or “I can’t talk right now” etc.
What part of you is being activated by it?
My heart. My soul. My poor broken soul. She’s been through so much. In the past, there were times I could feel it radiating out of me- the pain in my heart.
What does this part of you need to feel safe?
My heart hasn’t been protected very well over the years. I started to put a big cage around it from not getting hurt, but it actually felt restrictive after a few years. I wasn’t able to love as well as I am capable and I wasn’t able to feel other’s love as much as I needed to heal my heart.
What feels soothing to this part of you?
Patience. Kindness. Thoughtful words. A good hug from someone who can just tell I need one. Not because it’s traditional to get one before or after you say “hi” or “bye” but just a genuine caring and loving hug. Reminders that I am worthy of love. I am loved. That I am enough. Not too much. That there is someone out there that can love me like I love everyone else.
It is safe to not be liked by everyone. I don't need to control people's perceptions of me.
Chapter 10:
What's your current relationship to self-trust?
I trust her. I trust my gut. I know she is there to protect me. To help me. To guide me. Steer me on the correct path.
Do you have a "perfect me" fantasy that holds you back from life? Such as, "once I do 'x,' then I can be enough.”
Oh, yes. I keep thinking this illusion that I need to be a certain size and it is the only reason I haven’t been able to find a man. That I won’t get a good one until I am the perfect size. I even felt like that with my last “relationship.” That he was not asking me to be serious because I wasn’t the exact size I know I should be. That if only I lost some weight, that he would find me attractive enough and ask me to be his girlfriend. (lol) But, I am enough. That relationship actually taught me that. I am still able to be attractive and have sex (and amazing orgasms) even at this size. I can dress cute. I can be confident. I am capable of more than I thought. No matter what size I am.
What's a daydream that you find your mind drifting into?
I had a lot last weekend. But, it’s always that someone chooses me. That I get chosen to be loved. I was disillusioned to believe that I am not capable of finding this because of my past traumas. But, I am more than my trauma. I am more than my past. I am just me. Simply <3B.
What is it about that daydream that is missing from your current reality?
The man.
I trust the wisdom of my intuition. I trust myself to make decisions. I trust my inner guidance.
What did you love to do before you were conditioned to believe that before you did anything, you needed to be perfect at it?
Drawing. Painting. Reading. Healing. Being confident. Being funny. Science. Basically, everything. I have been building the life I want to live for almost a decade. So long that I barely recognize myself from even last year, let alone the meek little girl who was going through a divorce. I have expanded past my cage. I am reborn like a phoenix and dried my wings. Now, I FLY!
Healing myself, helps to heal the collective. I am healing at the exact pace that I am supposed to.
I am healed enough. I am ready now.
And, I wasn’t specific enough.
I deserve a soul bond with a partner that shines through us both. I deserve a love that will not wavier or require me to change anything but what I need, to evolve. I deserve to be met with kindness, patience, and maturity. I deserve to feel loved for who I am and all I do. I deserve to love for all they are and all they do. I deserve to find the person that will be by my side for the rest of our days. I deserve a healthy and radiant love. I deserve encouragement, openness, and desire. I deserve to give and receive every aspect of myself to them as they do to me. I deserve to feel secure. I deserve to be safe from harm. I deserve it all. So does he.
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